Family Guy (TV Series)

I Take Thee, Quagmire (2006)

Nicole Sullivan: Joan the Maid

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Everybody, this is Joan.

  Joe Swanson : Hi.

  Cleveland Brown : Hello.

  [smitten, Quagmire imagines them in Rivendell, a la "The Lord of the Rings"] 

  Joan the Maid : [in Elvish]  My life is mine to give to whomever I wish. I choose a mortal life with you, Quagmire.

  Glen Quagmire : [replying in Elvish]  Giggity.

  [returning to reality] 

  Glen Quagmire : Uh, uh, hey, there. I-I-I mean, it's n-nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I-I mean, uh, w-would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?

  Joan the Maid : I'd love to.

  Joe Swanson : God, he works fast.

• Peter Griffin : Joan, it's great to have you here. No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick.

  Joan the Maid : What is this?

  Peter Griffin : [she pulls out a carton of cigarettes]  A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in ten years. Hey, keep digging.

  [she pulls out a video game system] 

  Peter Griffin : Ohh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.

• Peter Griffin : All right, boys. It's my maid's last night, so we gotta make the most of it. Now, I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.

  [cut to the family room, where Meg sits on the couch] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy?

  Meg Griffin : Okay. Why?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, it's a present. It's a "thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So you'll hang onto that?

  Meg Griffin : Yeah, sure.

  [he runs away giggling] 

  Meg Griffin : This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

  [she shrieks as it explodes] 

  Meg Griffin : I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, maid!

  Joan the Maid : [coming in and seeing the mess]  Oh, my God!

• Joan the Maid : Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh, your maid for the week.

  Peter Griffin : [loudly as if she doesn't understand]  Me Peter. You maid.

  Joan the Maid : Um, I do speak English.

  Peter Griffin : You maid clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, stop it.

• Joan the Maid : Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating.

  Peter Griffin : [riding her like a horse]  Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and the car's low on gas.