Family Guy (TV Series)

I Take Thee, Quagmire (2006)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

  [Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Lois, what's this word?

  Lois Griffin : "Evel..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... Knievel..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... was..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... born..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... in..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... Montana."

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

• Lois Griffin : [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk]  Tonight we're going to try formula instead.

  [Stewie sucks on the bottle, but immediately spits the contents out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

  [cutaway; Brian and Stewie are on the couch, when Peter enters dressed like Daisy Duke] 

  Peter Griffin : So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.

  [Peter bends over and his shorts ride up his butt crack; Brian and Stewie turn away and groan in disgust] 

  Brian Griffin : It's like a walrus flossing.

• Lois Griffin : Ow. Damn, that hurts.

  Brian Griffin : What happened?

  Lois Griffin : I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.

  Brian Griffin : I see. Um... maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh... I, uh, I-I have seen a lot of medical shows.

  Lois Griffin : [flashing him without a second thought]  You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct.

  Brian Griffin : [taking the view in]  I'm sorry, what?

  Lois Griffin : I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.

  [cut to Alec breastfeeding his brothers] 

  Brian Griffin : Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try. Thanks, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : No problem. Uh, a-a-any other problems you have, too, like, for example, ar-around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I can... I can take a look at-a-at that, too.

  Lois Griffin : Huh?

  Brian Griffin : Please pull down your underpants.

• Joan the Maid : Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh, your maid for the week.

  Peter Griffin : [loudly as if she doesn't understand]  Me Peter. You maid.

  Joan the Maid : Um, I do speak English.

  Peter Griffin : You maid clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, stop it.

• Stewie Griffin : All right, whip 'em out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal.

  Lois Griffin : My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.

  [opening her shirt, he begins to suck on her nipple] 

  Lois Griffin : Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

  Stewie Griffin : And by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.