The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer's Triple Bypass (1992)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Suicidal Man, Hans Moleman, Billy, Sideshow Mel, Grampa, Krusty the Clown, Barney Gumble, Video Surgeon, Man That Looks Like Pumpkin, Kwik-E-Mart Customer

Quotes 

• [Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body] 

  Smithers : Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.

  Homer Simpson : Mmm... ham.

  [Homer's spirit returns to his body] 

  Smithers : No, wait - he's alive!

  Mr. Burns : Oh, good. Cancel the ham!

  Homer Simpson : D'oh!

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

  Homer Simpson : Say it in English, Doc!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : You're going to need open-heart surgery.

  Homer Simpson : Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

  Homer Simpson : Could you dumb it down a shade?

• Apu : Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?

  Kwik-E-Mart Customer : Gimmie some jerky.

  Apu : Would you like some vodka with that?

  Kwik-E-Mart Customer : Oh, what the hell, sure!

• Mr. Burns : Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...

  Homer Simpson : Whew...

  Mr. Burns : ...and goodbye! You're fired!

  [Homer gags, his heart pounds] 

  Mr. Burns : But wait - perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...

  [Homer calms down] 

  Mr. Burns : ...at goofing off!

  [Homer's heart pounds again] 

  Mr. Burns : Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...

  [Homer's heart slows down again] 

  Mr. Burns : ... a grave for!

  [Homer's heart beats even faster] 

  Mr. Burns : Your indolence is inefficacious!

  [Homer stares blankly; heart beats normally] 

  Mr. Burns : THAT MEANS YOU'RE TERRIBLE!

  [Homer collapses] 

• Homer : Kids, kids. I'm not gonna to die. That only happens to bad people.

  Bart : What about Abraham Lincoln?

  Homer : Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

• Homer : Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook?

  Marge : 70 dollars.

  Homer : Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?

  Marge : No.

• Homer Simpson : Remember your hippopotamus oath.

  [to Dr, Hibbert] 

• Lisa Simpson : [in Sunday School]  My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?

  Sunday School Teacher : Well, if he's been good, he'll go to Heaven.

  [writes "Heaven" on the board] 

  Sunday School Teacher : In Heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.

  [Lisa imagines Homer as an angel in heaven, lying on a cloud] 

  Homer Simpson : Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down...

  [cut to Homer's hospital room] 

  Homer Simpson : Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down...

• Chief Wiggum : This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, ah, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

  Homer : I can't wait 'til they throw his hatless butt in jail.

• Marge : Can't you do something for him?

  Dr. Hibbert : Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.

  Homer : What an age we live in.

• Moe : [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation]  Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

  Barney : [after a short while]  How long has it been?

  Moe : Six seconds.

  Barney : Do we have to start over?

  Moe : Hell, no.