The Simpsons (TV Series)

Much Apu About Nothing (1996)

Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum, Moe Szyslak, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Professor Frink, Lou, Examiner

Quotes 

• [Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam] 

  Homer : [pointing to an American flag]  Now, can you identify this object?

  Apu : It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.

  Homer : Correct!

• Examiner : All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?

  Apu : Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter...

  Examiner : Wait, wait... just say slavery.

  Apu : Slavery it is, sir.

• Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Hey there Homer, how's it hangin'?

  Homer : Low and lazy, so...

  [notices Apu talking oddly] 

  Homer : ... hey, say something again.

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  You're just noticing the way I am talking to you now. You see it turns out I am an American citizen after all.

  [Apu shows Homer his fraudulent American passport] 

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Apparently, I just plain forgot about it.

  [laughs nervously] 

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY Mets are my favorite squadron.

• Chief Wiggum : Book 'em, Lou.

  [points to the bear] 

  Chief Wiggum : One count of being a bear.

  [points to Barney] 

  Chief Wiggum : And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

• Apu : This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2,000 forgery!

• Apu : I am a citizen, now which way to the welfare office?

  Examiner : [baffled]  What?

  Apu : I'm just kidding. I work, I work

• Moe : Yeah, you said it, Barn.

• Chief Wiggum : Sweet dreams, Smokey...

• Homer : Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.

  Apu : [talking in an exaggerated American accent]  Oh yeah. What was I thinking? Who needs the infinite wisdom of Ganesha when I have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me...

  [using his real voice] 

  Apu : ... from the cover of Entertainment Weekly WITH THEIR DEAD EYES!

• Apu : Oh, forgive me, Mother! Father! I've failed you!

  [sobs] 

  Apu : Who am I kidding? I am no citizen. This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2000 forgery!

  [tears it up] 

  Apu : I have brought shame to parents, to my homeland and to myself!

  Homer : Don't forget Ganesha.

  Apu : I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want. I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay!

  [sobs again] 

  Homer : Wow. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Darn it, Apu! I'm not gonna let them kick you out!

  [rips his Proposition 24 button off] 

  Homer : I never should have bought this button! Can I have my three dollars back?

  Apu : Store credit only.