The Simpsons (TV Series)

Much Apu About Nothing (1996)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Barney Gumble, Mayor Quimby, Groundskeeper Willie, Grampa Simpson, Great-Grampa Simpson, Cat

Quotes 

• [Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam] 

  Homer : [pointing to an American flag]  Now, can you identify this object?

  Apu : It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.

  Homer : Correct!

• Mayor Quimby : Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

  Quimby's Aide : Dumber, sir.

• Homer : What? This is the highest tax increase in history!

  Lisa : Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, dad.

  Homer : I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax.

  Lisa : That's home owners tax, dad.

  Homer : Either way, I'm still outraged.

• Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Hey there Homer, how's it hangin'?

  Homer : Low and lazy, so...

  [notices Apu talking oddly] 

  Homer : ... hey, say something again.

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  You're just noticing the way I am talking to you now. You see it turns out I am an American citizen after all.

  [Apu shows Homer his fraudulent American passport] 

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Apparently, I just plain forgot about it.

  [laughs nervously] 

  Apu : [in an exaggerated American accent]  Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY Mets are my favorite squadron.

• Homer : We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears!

• Homer : Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.

  Lisa : That's specious reasoning, Dad.

  Homer : Thank you, sweetie.

  Lisa : Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.

  Homer : Uh-huh, and how does it work?

  Lisa : It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.

  Homer : I see.

  Lisa : But you don't see any tigers around, do you?

  Homer : Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock.

• Bart : Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship?

  Homer : [Later]  Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?

  Selma : I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.

• Homer : Down with taxes! Down with taxes!

  Helen Lovejoy : Will someone please think of the children?

• Homer : Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you?... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?

  Selma : I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.

• Quimby's Aide : Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.

  Mayor Quimby : Does it have an appointment?

  Quimby's Aide : [looks at a clip board]  Uh, yes it does.

  Principal Skinner : [leans in through the door]  I phoned ahead.

• Quimby's Aide : Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.

  Mayor Quimby : Does it have an appointment?

  Quimby's Aide : Ahhhhh, yes it does.

  [looking at a clip board] 

• Homer : Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.

  Apu : [talking in an exaggerated American accent]  Oh yeah. What was I thinking? Who needs the infinite wisdom of Ganesha when I have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me...

  [using his real voice] 

  Apu : ... from the cover of Entertainment Weekly WITH THEIR DEAD EYES!

• Apu : Oh, forgive me, Mother! Father! I've failed you!

  [sobs] 

  Apu : Who am I kidding? I am no citizen. This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2000 forgery!

  [tears it up] 

  Apu : I have brought shame to parents, to my homeland and to myself!

  Homer : Don't forget Ganesha.

  Apu : I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want. I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay!

  [sobs again] 

  Homer : Wow. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Darn it, Apu! I'm not gonna let them kick you out!

  [rips his Proposition 24 button off] 

  Homer : I never should have bought this button! Can I have my three dollars back?

  Apu : Store credit only.