- Mike Nelson: [after seeing Jim Backus' embarrassing acting] You know, now I appreciate the quiet dignity of Pat Buttram's performance.
- Mike Nelson: [What appears to be an entire town is passing the Satellite of Love through space] It's Aaron Spelling's house!
- Tom Servo: Ssh! Don't spook it; it might charge!
- Crow: [the screen shows a view of a girl's rear as she climbs up a ladder in spandex] Hey, you're giving away the plot!
- [a 1970's Cadillac station wagon chases a young boy unsuccessfully]
- Mike Nelson: You know, if they turned off the air conditioner, that Caddy could catch him.
- Crow T. Robot: [about his film] Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk is guaranteed boffo box office!
- [on "Angels' Brigade]
- Crow T. Robot: I bet the words "Where's my cocaine?" were heard a lot on this film.