- Crow T. Robot: Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts that the women.
- Tom Servo: Boy, don't you know it? I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece. Oh, hi Hercules, have a seat. Ah, no, no, no!
- Dr. Forrester: Go ahead and sing, pantywaist. In a moment, you're going to be knee deep in sand. Then, it will be Joel Robinson, RIP.
- TV's Frank: Rest in pants?
- Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.
- Tom Servo: [Hercules uses a giant door to crush enemy soldiers] Call him Stanley, the garage door opener.
- Crow T. Robot: [singing] The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, De Gaulle, Gandhi... well almost all of them.
- Tom Servo: Dolphins, one of the smartest mammals on earth. Do they wear pants? No. But they wish they did. That's how smart they are.
- Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!
- Joel Robinson: [during the horrendously long sandstorm scene] These are the outtakes of "From Here to Eternity."
- Tom Servo: No, Joel. This is just "Eternity".
- [the opening credits mention Alan Steel]
- Tom Servo: Big Alan Steel brings it home!
- Crow T. Robot: Alan Steel is Steve Allen's pen name.
- Joel Robinson: [the music for the movie is done by Carlo Franci] Carlo's been stealing tone poems from Stravinsky.
- [in the movie, the children of Samar are being marched off to be sacrificed]
- Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to death we go...
- Crow T. Robot: [as Hercules wrestles with a monkey monster] Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape! Or whatever you are.
- Joel Robinson: What keeps our legs all warm and hot?
- Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Pants!
- Crow T. Robot: What prevents a buffalo shot?
- Joel Robinson, Tom Servo: Pants!
- Tom Servo: What do they got that I ain't got?
- Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot: Pants.
- Tom Servo: Oh, you can say that again.
- Crow T. Robot: Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?
- Gypsy: No way...
- Crow T. Robot: Not Richard Basehart!
- Gypsy: [upset] NOOOOOOOOOOO! JOOOEEEEELLLL!