The Simpsons (TV Series)

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (1994)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Mayor Quimby, Grampa Simpson, Man in Crowd #1, John F. Kennedy, Barney Gumble

Photos 

Quotes 

• Grampa : Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?

  Homer : Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

  Grampa : Flu?

  Homer : No.

  Grampa : Protein deficiency?

  Homer : No.

  Grampa : Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

  Homer : No.

  Grampa : Unsatisfying sex life?

  Homer : N - yes! But please, don't *you* say that word!

  Grampa : What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

• Bart : No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.

  Homer : But I'm using my whole ass.

• Grampa : [throwing a bottle of tonic to Homer]  Here you go, ya ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!

• Marge : Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?

  Homer : Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of *his* life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.

  Marge : You didn't wanna have Bart.

  Homer : [annoyed]  I know, but you're never supposed to *tell* the child.

  Marge : You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.

  Homer : [protesting]  But when I do it, it's *cute*!

• Lisa : Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

  Homer : Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

  [leaves] 

  Bart : I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

  Lisa : That's what I assumed.

• Homer : Sir! Ah, hello, sir. Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So - OW!

  [after getting punched in the face] 

• Bart : Your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

  Homer : But I'm using my whole ass.

• Announcer : We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure.

  Uncle Doobie : [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police]  Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?

  Troy McClure : [as Slim]  There's more than one way to get high, baby.

  [he floors it] 

  Homer : [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey]  Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV?

  Marge : Is there something wrong, Homey?

  Homer : No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye - er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.

• Homer : The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

• Homer : [Homer tries to give his children a heartfelt talk while Bart is eating a chocolate bar]  Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey - put it away, boy! - situation.

• [Grampa mixes various fragrances to create the aphrodisiac] 

  Grampa Simpson : Legend has it, my great-grand-pappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.