The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa on Ice (1994)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Reporter, Krusty the Clown, Hans Moleman, Grampa Simpson

Quotes 

• Homer : Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such...

• [At the hockey match] 

  Homer : Okay, Marge, it's your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

• Homer : Now, boy, just have a good game, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

  [they all laugh, before Homer makes a threatening gesture, causing Bart to flinch] 

• Homer : Can somebody pass the mustard?

  [Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it] 

  Lisa : You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.

  Marge Simpson : I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!

• [Marge hears Bart and Lisa fighting upstairs] 

  Marge Simpson : Oh, I'd better go check on them. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.

  Homer : All right, Marge.

  [Marge exits] 

  Homer : All right, pie. I'm going to start doing this...

  [makes chomping motion] 

  Homer : And if you get eaten, it's your own fault.

  [He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood] 

  Homer : OW! AH! Oh, my... oh, to hell with it.

  [eats the pie] 

• [Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team] 

  Lisa : Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone.

  Homer : Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster.

• [Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class] 

  Marge : Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.

  Homer : Whew. That's all of 'em.

  [puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart] 

  Homer : And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?

  Bart : Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.

  Homer : Done and done.

  Lisa : That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?

  Homer : [sitting back]  Ah, the mysteries of life.

• Homer : Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear.

  Lisa : Please, Dad, I'll be fine.

  Homer : I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting...

  [Spotting a partially dressed Uter, the fat German exchange student] 

  Homer : hahahahahahaha! Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?

  [Chasing him with a towel] 

  Homer : Come here, butterball!

  Uter : Don't make me run! I am full of chocolate!