- Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
- Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
- Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
- [Looks out window]
- Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
- Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
- Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
- [Lisa walks in, smiling vacantly]
- Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
- Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.
- [in the school cafeteria]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
- Seymour: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.
- [everyone stops and stares at Seymour]
- Seymour: Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong.
- Outraged Soldier: [Actor notices the class peaking over the fence] Hey, they're trying to learn for free!
- Crowd: Get them!
- Moe Szyslak: [subbing for Mrs. Krabappel] Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". No, say "present". Anita Bath?
- [the class laughs]
- Moe Szyslak: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
- [the class laughs again]
- Moe Szyslak: All right, fine. Fine, uh... Maya Buttreeks.
- [the class laughs]
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh... Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
- [Moe runs out of the room sobbing]
- [the School Bus needs to be filled with gas]
- Principal Skinner: [Speaking to Otto] Otto, we need you to fill up the bus. Here's the *credit card*.
- [Presents him with a hose]
- Otto: Ohh.
- Principal Skinner: And a mint for afterwards.
- [Later, when the class is running from the Civil Act Actors]
- Principal Skinner: Start the bus Otto! Start the bus!
- [Otto is sucking oil from the petrol tank of another bus. He spits it out]
- Otto: Damn, I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.
- Leopold: [menacing and enraged] Alright, you listen up, you little FREAKS. The fun stops here. You're gonna SHUT your stinkin' traps and behave, DAMMIT! This is one substitute you're not gonna SCREW WITH!
- [kids gulp nervously; Leopold suddenly turns polite]
- Leopold: Marge Simpson!
- [Bart gulps nervously]
- Ned Flanders: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
- Principal Skinner: I don't agree to that.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Neither do I.
- Homer: When you don't like your job, you don't go on strike, you do your job half-assed. That's the American way.
- [Bart is at a bank where Superintendent Chalmers is a customer]
- Bart: [chuckles; altering his voice] "Whaddya mean, the bank is out of money?"! "Insolvent?"! "You only have enough cash for the next three customers?"!
- [the customers get angry and bang on the tellers' windows for an explanation]
- Bank Manager: [ala Jimmy Stewart] N-now-now, just wait just a second here! No, no... I don't have your money here! It's at Bill's house, and-and-and Fred's house!
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, what the hell you doing with my money in your house, Fred?
- [the customers get into a fight amongst each other. Bart walks away, laughing]
- Tour Guide #1: This civil war cannon had been fully restored and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower. People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive, and the slightest jolt could set them off.
- [the Springfield Elementary bus suddenly skids into the cannon, knocking one of its wheels off. The cannon doesn't go off]
- Tour Guide #1: Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense.
- [Teaching a kindergarten class, Professor Frink is pushing a wheeled toy resembling a vacuum cleaner back and forth]
- Professor Frink: Wahey! So, the compression and expansion of the longitudinal waves cause the radic oscillation - you can see it there - of the neighbouring particles.
- [a kid raises his hand]
- Professor Frink: Yes, what is it? What? What is it?
- Kindergarten kid: Can I play with it?
- Professor Frink: No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do.
- [laughs]