- Homer Simpson: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.
- Great Uncle Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
- Homer Simpson: [nervously] Oh... but you *run* it, right?
- Great Uncle Chet: [smugly] Oh, yeah.
- Homer Simpson: Okay... uh, this is your second cousin, Stanley!
- Cousin Stanley: Um, I shoot birds at the airport.
- Homer Simpson: [More nervously] Everybody hates birds, right?
- [Homer frantically looks for a successful relative and spots a dapper man smoking a cigar.]
- Homer Simpson: You look pretty successful!
- Simpson Relative 1: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties.
- [sighs defeatedly]
- Simpson Relative 1: At least, I'd like to.
- Bart Simpson: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?
- Homer Simpson: What about you?
- Simpson Relative 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
- Simpson Relative 3: I beg celebrities for money!
- Simpson Relative 4: I'm a prison snitch.
- Simpson Relative 5: Jug band manager.
- Simpson Relative 6: My legs hurt.
- Lisa Simpson: [on TV] Hello, my name is Lisa Simpson.
- [Marge gasps]
- Lisa Simpson: I'm supposed to talk to you about proposition 305.
- Homer Simpson: [bitter] Moochin' war widows!
- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore".