Ten Inch Hero (2007)
Elisabeth Harnois: Piper
Photos
Quotes
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Priestly : [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?
Piper : Piper.
Priestly : Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?
Piper : I work here.
Priestly : Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!
Trucker : Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.
Priestly : Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!
Jen : You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.
Priestly : [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?
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Piper : So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.
Zo : Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.
Piper : Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?
Zo : Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.
Priestly : Right on!
Jen : Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.
Priestly : Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.
Zo : [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.
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Piper : You know, I didn't want to give up my baby. I was forced to. What would you do if Julia was taken away from you? Wouldn't you think about it every day for the rest of your life?
Noah : Yeah, of course.
Piper : Then why is it any different for me? I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real? Of course, you have your child so you can afford to be judgmental. All I have is the ghost of two Julias. I loved them both, and I lost them both.
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Jen : [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.
Priestly : Right on!
Piper : And what if he is a woman?
Jen : We'll find a way to make it work.
Priestly : Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?
Tish : What is he's 14?
Priestly : Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh
[Holds a glass to his eye]
Priestly : videotape?
Jen : He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.
Trucker : Convicted felon?
Jen : Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Mr. Julius : Paralyzed?
Jen : If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.
Lucille : Ugly as a rhino's ass?
Jen : Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.
Priestly : Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?
Jen : Well, I could never be that lucky.
[Priestly smiles]
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Noah : Ok, so here's the deal; Julia and I took a vote and there's a definite opening in the family. Job is yours if you want it.
Piper : Really?
Noah : Yeah. Only one ground rule; nothing but honesty from now on.
Piper : I swear.
[Noah smiles. They start walking]
Piper : Noah?
Noah : Yeah?
Piper : That shirt's a really nasty color.
Noah : Okay, not *that* honest!
Piper : Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!
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Noah : Poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley. And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes, until I get there.
Piper : You are a terrible father.
Noah : I gotta give her something to tell the therapist in 10 years.
Julia : Bradley picks his nose in class, and makes these fart noises in his arm pits.
Noah : Testosterone poisoning, actually. He can't help it.
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Trucker : ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?
Piper : Dead.
Tish : Andy Kaufman?
Piper : Dead.
Trucker : Jerry Garcia?
Piper : Grateful, and dead.
Tish : Mariah Carey?
Piper : Are we talking about her acting career?
Tish : [Chuckles] No.
Piper : Okay, then alive.
Lucille : Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?
Piper : I have family here.
Mr. Julius : Are you a virgin?
[Everyone groans]
Trucker : Mr. Julius!
Mr. Julius : Sorry, sorry.
Piper : No... But I used to be.
Tish : You're not a witch, by any chance?
Piper : Is that a job requirement?
Tish : Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.
Jen : Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.
Trucker : Okay, everybody! Time to vote!
[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]
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Piper : [about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?
Jen : Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.
Piper : A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?
Jen : Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.
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Piper : [Showing Julia how to draw rocks] Don't be afraid to be bold.
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Priestly : [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!
Jen : [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!
Priestly : Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.
Tish : Why do you think he's a cop?
Priestly : Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?
Tish : I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.
Priestly : Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.
Tish : Ugh!
Piper : Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.
Lucille : Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!
Jen : I'm not moving anywhere.
Tish : I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.
Piper : Could just be his age, you know.
Tish : Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.
Priestly : Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.
Jen : I like that one!
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Tish : [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.
Jen : Really?
Piper : Me, too.
Jen : You guys are the best!
Priestly : Yep, count me in!
Tish , Piper , Jen : Forget it.
Trucker : Can we get to work now?
Priestly : I'll, I'll drive.
Piper : No.
Priestly : I'll buy the beer.
[Jen laughs at him]
Priestly : I never get to do anything fun.
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Piper : [Zo has given them crushed petals to release into the wind for good luck] If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.
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Julia : [erasing] That sucky thing's not right.
Piper : That "sucky" thing?
Julia : That's what my dad calls it.
Noah : [looking in] What your dad calls what?
Julia : This.
Noah : What, the sucky thing?
Piper : Otherwise known as a turkey baster.
Noah : Well, yeah, if you want to use it's nickname. But everybody knows the real name is of course
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Tish : I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...
Stud : But what? Come on, Tish!
Tish : Well, it's just...
Priestly : Here it comes.
Tish : [Whispers] I don't really like sex.
Stud : What? How can you not like...
Tish : I've never had a... you know...
Stud : Whoa! Never?
[Tish shakes her head]
Stud : Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.
[Points to himself and mouths "Me"]
Tish : [laughs] Okay.
Piper : My God, does that really work?
Jen : Every time.
Priestly : Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.
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Priestly : [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!
Jen : All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?
Tish : A for effort. C for execution.
Jen : Natural gift?
Tish : Didn't even register.
Piper : That bad, huh?
Tish : That bad, and... He knows it.
Piper : Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?
[Priestly nods]
Tish : Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?
[Priestly cocks an eyebrow]
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Tish : No way.
Jen : What?
Tish : You're still the scarlet V.
Jen : [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?
Piper : No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.
Tish : Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.
[Jen makes a face]
Tish : Never?
Jen : You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!
Piper : You've never plucked your own banjo?
Jen : Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?
Piper : Yesterday morning.
Tish : Two days ago.
Lucille : Last night.
[the girls look at her]
Lucille : Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!
Jen : Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.
Tish : Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.
[Piper laughs]
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Jen : [Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!
Tish : Keep going!
Jen : I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.
Jen : Ow!
Tish : What?
Jen : It's very intense.
Piper : Well, just slow it down a little bit.
Tish : Or move it to the left.
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Tish : Suppose it drives some beat up piece of shit held together by duct tape and dental floss?
Jen : All you need is love.
Tish : What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?
Jen : We can work it out.
Piper : It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!
Tish : What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?
Jen : Tish, let it be.
Piper : Besides, everybody's got something to hide...
-
Tish : All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.
Jen : A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.
Tish : Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.
Piper : Besides, you said that looks don't matter.
Jen : Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad fucking Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.
Tish : That's crazy.
Jen : Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?
Piper : Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead. Everybody knows that.
[Tish looks at her]
Piper : Everyone except Tish. Sorry.
