- Jake Harper: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at?
- Jake Harper: I-Hop!
- Charlie Harper: [Chuckling] Where tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning!
- Steven Tyler: [to Charlie, who's picking a fight over Tyler's voice exercises] Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
- Charlie Harper: Okay. I'm going to rip off your big, fat lips and use them to kiss my ass!
- Charlie Harper: [Berta reaches for the ringing phone] If that's a bookie or a woman, you know what to say.
- Berta: Harper residence... Sorry, he's dead.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Berta: Interesting. No one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers.
- Jake Harper: Touché!
- Charlie Harper: Feelings are like your mother's breasts: you know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.