Sean Gunn: Phil

Quotes 

• [Teak and Phil are fighting over Jessica] 

  Jessica : [answering the phone]  This is Jessica.

  Phil : [impersonating Teak]  Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong.

  Teak : [Teak comes in on a third line]  Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak.

  [impersonating Phil] 

  Teak : No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat.

  [normal] 

  Teak : Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.

  Jessica : [impersonating Phil]  Wait, I'm Phil.

  Teak : What?

  Phil : Huh?

  Jessica : [impersonating Teak]  Hello, this is Teak!

  Phil : What?

  Teak : Who is this?

  Jessica : [impersonating Phil]  Phil. I think someone else is on the line.

  Phil : What?

  Jessica : [impersonating Teak]  What?

  Teak : Are you Teak or Phil?

  Jessica : [scary voice]  I'm in the house!

  [impersonating Phil] 

  Jessica : Dude, run! Hang up! Run!

  [both Teak and Phil hang up and run away frightened] 

• Teak : We're through with you.

  Jessica : That's terrible.

  [pause] 

  Jessica : Oh, I'm over it.

  Phil : You came between us like a wedge, you wedge-woman!

  Jessica : Whatever. Just give me your parking thingie and we'll get you outta here.

  Teak : You used your powers of sexual hotness to ruin our friendship.

  Phil : Yeah, like a succubus or a type five demon!

  Jessica : This whole thing has been in your heads. You love me, you hate me, who cares? Why don't you go find something to pierce, or tattoo, or inhale from a bag? But leave me the hell alone.

  [Jessica leaves] 

  Teak : That was so hot.

  Phil : I want her so bad again.