- [Teak and Phil are fighting over Jessica]
- Jessica: [answering the phone] This is Jessica.
- Phil: [impersonating Teak] Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong.
- Teak: [Teak comes in on a third line] Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak.
- [impersonating Phil]
- Teak: No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat.
- [normal]
- Teak: Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.
- Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Wait, I'm Phil.
- Teak: What?
- Phil: Huh?
- Jessica: [impersonating Teak] Hello, this is Teak!
- Phil: What?
- Teak: Who is this?
- Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Phil. I think someone else is on the line.
- Phil: What?
- Jessica: [impersonating Teak] What?
- Teak: Are you Teak or Phil?
- Jessica: [scary voice] I'm in the house!
- [impersonating Phil]
- Jessica: Dude, run! Hang up! Run!
- [both Teak and Phil hang up and run away frightened]
- Andy Richter: Hey you guys, you like dancing and hanging round with rockstars, right?
- Keith Richards: Sure.
- Wendy McKay: Yeah.
- Byron Togler: Wow.
- Andy Richter: Excelent. What are you doing tomorrow night between eight and eleven?
- Keith Richards: Nothing.
- Wendy McKay, Byron Togler: I'm free.
- Andy Richter: You wanna help me move my grandma into her new assistant living facility? Afterwards we can go dancing and look for Rockstars. If there's time. There probably won't be.
- Wendy McKay: You know all those old bottles we got from Andy's grandmother?
- Keith Richards: Who could forget old bottles?
- Wendy McKay: Well, last night I had a horrible headache, and I decided to drink from one of 'em.
- Keith Richards: Good thinking, honey.
- Andy Richter: [narrating] Maybe I could learn to see Byron and my grandma's relationship the way they do, as something beautiful and giving. Rather than an unholy mix of old flesh and Byron.
- Andy Richter: Okay Byron, my grandma has a right to be happy, so I give you my blessing. Just... don't get her pregnant, I don't need another mom.
- Teak: We're through with you.
- Jessica: That's terrible.
- [pause]
- Jessica: Oh, I'm over it.
- Phil: You came between us like a wedge, you wedge-woman!
- Jessica: Whatever. Just give me your parking thingie and we'll get you outta here.
- Teak: You used your powers of sexual hotness to ruin our friendship.
- Phil: Yeah, like a succubus or a type five demon!
- Jessica: This whole thing has been in your heads. You love me, you hate me, who cares? Why don't you go find something to pierce, or tattoo, or inhale from a bag? But leave me the hell alone.
- [Jessica leaves]
- Teak: That was so hot.
- Phil: I want her so bad again.
- Mr. Pickering: Grandmothers should not be fornicating.
- Andy Richter: Exactly.
- Mr. Pickering: The ancient pharaohs had it right. When they died, their wives were buried alive with them. The perfect answer for, 'You never take me anywhere.'