Dennis Burkley: Cal Pettie

Quotes 

• Cal Pettie : [Holding Fred's marriage license]  I gotta tell you something, Fred.

  Fred G. Sanford : What?

  Cal Pettie : It's gonna cause you a lot of pain. It's gonna break your little heart. It's gonna tear your guts out... It seems that Elizabeth signed where the witness was supposed to, and Esther signed where the bride was supposed to. That means you are married to Esther.

  [Fred stunned, begins to stagger and suffer a heart attack] 

• Cal Pettie : Say, let me ask you a question. Whatever happened to Esther's real husband?

  Fred G. Sanford : Woody? Oh, he died and went to heaven. He had to go to heaven because he caught all the hell there was while he was here with Esther.

• Fred G. Sanford : [Driving the truck down a lonely rural highway]  Where are we? We lost.

  Cal Pettie : We ain't lost, we're 200 miles outside of Fremont, Missouri. Look, according to this map here, we're running right alongside this mountain range.

  Fred G. Sanford : That ain't no mountain range, that's a mustard smudge.

• Cal Pettie : Fred, these courtrooms make me nervous. They got all these unsolved crimes they're just dyin' to pin on somebody.

  Fred G. Sanford : Don't worry, only thing they could pin on you would be a harpoon.