Family Guy (TV Series)

Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (2007)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Barbara Pewterschmidt, Linda Tripp

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : I love prank calls.

  Bill Clinton : [on the phone]  Is this Linda Tripp?

  Linda Tripp : Yes?

  Bill Clinton : You shouldn't have talked you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

  [Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable] 

  Peter Griffin : Uh Bill that wasn't a prank call. That was just unpleasant.

• Peter Griffin : I can't do it. I can't go through with it.

  Lois Griffin : You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!

  Peter Griffin : Screw our marriage, I love you!

• Bill Clinton : [after having sex with Lois]  Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?

  Lois Griffin : What's that?

  Bill Clinton : 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass!

  [laughs] 

• Lois Griffin : [reluctantly]  Would you sleep with Peter?

  Lois' Mom (Barbara) : [definitively]  Of course dear.

• Lois Griffin : Brian, what is this on my shoe?

  Brian Griffin : My poop.

  Lois Griffin : [wiping it off with a tissue]  That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else.

  Stewie Griffin : [running in]  I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze.

  [taking the tissue] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ah-choo!

  [realizing what else is there] 

  Stewie Griffin : AHHHH!

• Stewie Griffin : [Lois has made Brian start wearing a diaper]  Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?

  Brian Griffin : You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. You remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?

  Lois Griffin : [cut to them in the kitchen]  Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!

  Peter Griffin : This is going right up on the fridge.

  Stewie Griffin : Really? The fridge?

  Lois Griffin : It's like we have a little Michaelangelo in the house.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay! See you guys later.

  Lois Griffin : [as he leaves, she and Peter start laughing]  I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge.

  Peter Griffin : I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?

  Lois Griffin : Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

  Peter Griffin : What a dumbass! Hey, let's spit on it.

• Lois Griffin : What the hell did you and Bill do last night?

  Peter Griffin : We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that former president Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.

  Peter Griffin : No way! Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals.

  Lois Griffin : [to herself]  Well, if he won't listen, I'm just gonna have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

  [cut to her knocking on his hotel room door] 

  Lois Griffin : Mr. President, I need to have a word with you.

  [cut to them in bed together] 

  Lois Griffin : Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.

  Bill Clinton : So I've been told. Hey, you wanna give me that cigar? I'm ready to smoke it now.

• Lois Griffin : Brian, if you're not gonna use the toilet, there's only one solution.

  Stewie Griffin : [cut to him in the living room]  Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

  Brian Griffin : He is?

  Stewie Griffin : No, but doesn't that sound like something that could be true? Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly.

  Brian Griffin : Why? You wear a diaper.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper and they say, "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think, "Ew. That dog is sick. He must be dying. I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. Why don't they just put him to sleep?

  Brian Griffin : You know, at this point, I'd probably welcome that.

• Lois Griffin : How's the hernia, Peter?

  Peter Griffin : You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I-I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I got to face the fact that I'm just getting old.

  Bill Clinton : [coming in]  Knock, knock.

  Brian Griffin : Mr. President! What are you doing here?

  Bill Clinton : Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes.

  Meg Griffin : Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?

  Bill Clinton : Sure.

  [lifting his shirt and sticking his tongue out as she takes it] 

  Bill Clinton : You know where I got that nipple ring? Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me.

• Bill Clinton : [after his motorcade blows a tire outside the Griffin house]  Hey, I appreciate your help, man. We're a little overloaded 'cause I'm having a fat chick party back here.

  [the women with him inside giggle] 

  Bill Clinton : All right, girls. I've turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.

  Peter Griffin : [to Clinton's Secret Service agents]  All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion.

  [trying to lift the car, a crack is heard, and he falls to the ground in pain] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Brian Griffin : Oh, my God!

  Peter Griffin : Call an ambulance!

  Bill Clinton : All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

• Brian Griffin : [doing his business in the yard]  Hello, old friend.

  [getting sprayed with a hose] 

  Brian Griffin : Ahh! What the hell?

  Lois Griffin : No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

  [cut to the family on Christmas Day] 

  Lois Griffin : [opening a gift]  Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

  [gagging] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

  Brian Griffin : I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it.

  Chris Griffin : [opening his gift]  Brian, I love it!

  [taking out a dead cat] 

  Chris Griffin : I'm gonna call you Stickyhead.

  [kissing and petting it] 

  Chris Griffin : I love you, Stickyhead.

• Peter Griffin : Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, see ya la... wait, what? Since when do you go to the gym?

  Peter Griffin : Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's ridiculous.

  Octopus : [waiting for him outside]  Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here *humping you*?

  Lois Griffin : Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. history, and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

  Bill Clinton : 35 years.

  Lois Griffin : 35 years, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

• Barbara Pewterschmidt : Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

  Lois Griffin : Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch "Medium."

  Lois Griffin : You know what? Daddy's right. Let's go upstairs where we won't bother him.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : [they all leave]  Good. All right, go "Medium"! Wish I could talk to ghosts. That'd be *sweeeet*!

• Lois Griffin : Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it.

  Peter Griffin : Me, too, Lois. It's just gonna take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I'd better clear the air with Clinton.

  [cut to Clinton's hotel room] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, listen, Bill, uh... you and I need to have a talk.

  [cut to them in bed together] 

  Peter Griffin : Boy, you are good. You are really good.

• Lois Griffin : Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation. But I think I've got a solution that'll make things right for the both of us.

  Peter Griffin : I'm listening.

  Lois Griffin : Well, the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too.

  Peter Griffin : You... wanna get me laid?

  Lois Griffin : Yes, Peter, because I don't want to lose you.

  Peter Griffin : Well, it would make us even. All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work.

  Lois Griffin : Trust me. It'll work better than the first telephone.

  [cutaway] 

  Alexander Graham Bell : Well, we did it, Watson. What an afternoon. We finally perfected the first telephone.

  Bell's Friend : Yeah. Uh... hey, listen, somebody called me today. Uh... whoever it was said some very sexual things. Some very angry, sexual things.

  Alexander Graham Bell : Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them.

  Bell's Friend : Well, th-th-that's the thing. I mean, t-there's only two phones in the... w-well, i-in the world, and one of them's in my office and the other's in your office, and those didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

  Alexander Graham Bell : Yikes! I could use a distraction right now.

  [breaking the fourth wall] 

  Alexander Graham Bell : Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

• Lois Griffin : All right, Peter, who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?

  Peter Griffin : Ah, who we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

  Lois Griffin : No, honey, it's gotta work. Just pick somebody and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if-if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? H-Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?

  Peter Griffin : Anybody I want?

  Lois Griffin : Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.

  Peter Griffin : Babs.

  Lois Griffin : [taken aback]  My mother?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah.

  Lois Griffin : Wh... wh... why?

  Peter Griffin : It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

  Lois Griffin : I... I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

  Peter Griffin : Look, you know what? She's hot. Guilty, all right? I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of "Pulp Fiction."

• Barbara Pewterschmidt : [agreeing to have sex with Peter]  Carter's been most insufferable lately, and this would just stick in his craw.

  Peter Griffin : I like your freaky spirit, but it's your craw I'm after.

  Lois Griffin : Well, I-I didn't think you'd be so receptive.

  Barbara Pewterschmidt : Are you kidding, Lois? I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look at me in the back of the head anymore.

  Lois Griffin : I see. Well, I guess we're good to go, then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

  Peter Griffin : [already naked]  Yeah. I'll see you at home.

• Lois Griffin : Well, look at you, using the toilet. I am so proud of you.

  Brian Griffin : Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.

  Lois Griffin : Well, still, good for you.

  Stewie Griffin : [coming in as she leaves]  So where are you really doing your business?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, I found a place.