Family Guy (TV Series)

Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Carter Pewterschmidt, Captain Seamus, Bill Clinton, Octopus, Phineas, John Merrick, Hank the Toilet, Bell's Friend

Photos 

Quotes 

• Carter Pewterschmidt : Why are you naked in my house?

  Peter Griffin : Uh... why aren't you?

  Carter Pewterschmidt : [pause]  You're all right, Griffin.

• Peter Griffin : I love prank calls.

  Bill Clinton : [on the phone]  Is this Linda Tripp?

  Linda Tripp : Yes?

  Bill Clinton : You shouldn't have talked you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

  [Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable] 

  Peter Griffin : Uh Bill that wasn't a prank call. That was just unpleasant.

• Peter Griffin : I can't do it. I can't go through with it.

  Lois Griffin : You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!

  Peter Griffin : Screw our marriage, I love you!

• Bill Clinton : [playing Dance Dance Revolution at Chuck E. Cheese]  Watch the screen, not your feet.

  Peter Griffin : Bill, shut up, I got it.

  [hearing a PA announcment] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, no, our pizza's ready.

  Bill Clinton : Tag out, man, tag out.

  [switching places, he sings as he dances] 

  Bill Clinton : I'm a Barbie girl/In a Barbie world/Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic/Come on, Barbie, let's go party/Ah, ah, ah, yeah.

• Bill Clinton : [after having sex with Lois]  Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?

  Lois Griffin : What's that?

  Bill Clinton : 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass!

  [laughs] 

• Brian Griffin : [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously]  How do you think it works?

  Stewie Griffin : I have no idea.

  Brian Griffin : Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

  Stewie Griffin : All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.

  Brian Griffin : What's that big back part?

  Stewie Griffin : Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

  Brian Griffin : I wonder what this thing is for.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

  Brian Griffin : [sighs]  All right, here goes.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

  [the toilet flushes. Terrified, Stewie and Brian flee the room screaming] 

• Peter Griffin : I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

• [Peter and Bill are stoned off their asses] 

  Peter Griffin : Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.

  Bill Clinton : Me, too.

• Lois Griffin : Brian, what is this on my shoe?

  Brian Griffin : My poop.

  Lois Griffin : [wiping it off with a tissue]  That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else.

  Stewie Griffin : [running in]  I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze, I'm gonna sneeze.

  [taking the tissue] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ah-choo!

  [realizing what else is there] 

  Stewie Griffin : AHHHH!

• Stewie Griffin : [Lois has made Brian start wearing a diaper]  Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?

  Brian Griffin : You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. You remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?

  Lois Griffin : [cut to them in the kitchen]  Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!

  Peter Griffin : This is going right up on the fridge.

  Stewie Griffin : Really? The fridge?

  Lois Griffin : It's like we have a little Michaelangelo in the house.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay! See you guys later.

  Lois Griffin : [as he leaves, she and Peter start laughing]  I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge.

  Peter Griffin : I know! I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?

  Lois Griffin : Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

  Peter Griffin : What a dumbass! Hey, let's spit on it.

• Lois Griffin : What the hell did you and Bill do last night?

  Peter Griffin : We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that former president Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.

  Peter Griffin : No way! Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals.

  Lois Griffin : [to herself]  Well, if he won't listen, I'm just gonna have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

  [cut to her knocking on his hotel room door] 

  Lois Griffin : Mr. President, I need to have a word with you.

  [cut to them in bed together] 

  Lois Griffin : Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.

  Bill Clinton : So I've been told. Hey, you wanna give me that cigar? I'm ready to smoke it now.

• Peter Griffin : [running into Quagmire and Cleveland at the gym]  Hey, I didn't know you guys worked out here.

  Glenn Quagmire : [spotting Cleveland's bench press]  Yeah, it's a weekly regiment. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Push it, come on, it's all you, It's all you, it's all...

  [an attractive woman walks by] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Hey.

  [he lets go to follow her] 

  Cleveland Brown : [unable to hold the weight up]  Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

• Lois Griffin : Brian, if you're not gonna use the toilet, there's only one solution.

  Stewie Griffin : [cut to him in the living room]  Hey, Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

  Brian Griffin : He is?

  Stewie Griffin : No, but doesn't that sound like something that could be true? Oh, my God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly.

  Brian Griffin : Why? You wear a diaper.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper and they say, "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think, "Ew. That dog is sick. He must be dying. I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. Why don't they just put him to sleep?

  Brian Griffin : You know, at this point, I'd probably welcome that.

• Tom Tucker : In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest.

  Bill Clinton : [cut to him sitting at a fashion show runway]  Now, that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun.

• Bill Clinton : All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm gonna show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo.

  Peter Griffin : Wow, a limo!

  [getting in the front seat] 

  Peter Griffin : Shotgun!

• Stewie Griffin : [putting two starfish on his nipples]  Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

• Brian Griffin : What's that?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training.

  Roy Scheider : Hi, I'm Roy Scheider. And today, we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank?

  Hank the Toilet : I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve.

  Roy Scheider : [with a hearty laugh, he undoes his pants and prepares to sit down]  Remember, it's all about relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

  Brian Griffin : [he and Stewie scream in disgust]  What the hell? What the hell?

  Roy Scheider : Now, here's Susan St. James to powder my ass.

• Lois Griffin : How's the hernia, Peter?

  Peter Griffin : You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I-I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I got to face the fact that I'm just getting old.

  Bill Clinton : [coming in]  Knock, knock.

  Brian Griffin : Mr. President! What are you doing here?

  Bill Clinton : Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes.

  Meg Griffin : Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?

  Bill Clinton : Sure.

  [lifting his shirt and sticking his tongue out as she takes it] 

  Bill Clinton : You know where I got that nipple ring? Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me.

• Bill Clinton : Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, it's just that I'm starting to realize I'm not as young as I used to be.

  Bill Clinton : I hear you. After my bypass, I remember wondering if it was all downhill from there. But then I realized it doesn't have to be. You're only as young as you feel.

  Peter Griffin : I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that.

  Bill Clinton : I'm gonna make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm gonna take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're gonna feel like a young man again.

  Peter Griffin : Well, if you really think it'll help.

  Bill Clinton : I sure do. Know what else will help? A little saxophone therapy.

  [with his Secret Service agents, they play the theme to "Night Court"] 

  Meg Griffin : [appearing in her underwear]  You can have me.

  Bill Clinton : [chuckling]  E-E-E-Ew!

• Peter Griffin : [at the local aquarium]  Hey, look, kids, it's a recreation of the lost city of New Orleans.

  Chris Griffin : Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans?

  Peter Griffin : No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

• Bill Clinton : [after his motorcade blows a tire outside the Griffin house]  Hey, I appreciate your help, man. We're a little overloaded 'cause I'm having a fat chick party back here.

  [the women with him inside giggle] 

  Bill Clinton : All right, girls. I've turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.

  Peter Griffin : [to Clinton's Secret Service agents]  All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion.

  [trying to lift the car, a crack is heard, and he falls to the ground in pain] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Brian Griffin : Oh, my God!

  Peter Griffin : Call an ambulance!

  Bill Clinton : All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

• Peter Griffin : Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family. Check out my bulging rippliness.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, you've been to the gym once... for fifteen minutes.

  Peter Griffin : And I'm fifteen minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop.

  Meg Griffin : [he struggles to tear it apart]  Dad! What the hell?

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh, look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on Match.com.

  John Merrick : [cut to him out on a date]  There's no way you're a size six.

• Brian Griffin : [doing his business in the yard]  Hello, old friend.

  [getting sprayed with a hose] 

  Brian Griffin : Ahh! What the hell?

  Lois Griffin : No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

  [cut to the family on Christmas Day] 

  Lois Griffin : [opening a gift]  Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh! Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian!

  [gagging] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh! Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

  Brian Griffin : I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it.

  Chris Griffin : [opening his gift]  Brian, I love it!

  [taking out a dead cat] 

  Chris Griffin : I'm gonna call you Stickyhead.

  [kissing and petting it] 

  Chris Griffin : I love you, Stickyhead.

• Peter Griffin : Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, see ya la... wait, what? Since when do you go to the gym?

  Peter Griffin : Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's ridiculous.

  Octopus : [waiting for him outside]  Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?

• Peter Griffin : Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that.

  [taking out a marker and drawing on the tank] 

  Peter Griffin : Let's give you a nice tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb-guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying "Say what?".

  [tapping the glass] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, look who's got pimples. And right before the big dance.

  [tapping too hard, the glass breaks, and the octopus grabs him in its tentacles] 

  Peter Griffin : Help! It's so sucky and squeezy!

  Captain Seamus : I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before.

  [he pulls the octopus off and throws it against the wall] 

  Chris Griffin : Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.

  Captain Seamus : Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there.

  [in another tank, an octopus swims around with eight peg legs in place of its tentacles] 

• Peter Griffin : You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life.

  Bill Clinton : See? I told you, Peter, age is just a state of mind.

  Peter Griffin : So what do you wanna do next?

  Bill Clinton : [taking out a joint]  Go to Mars, dude.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here *humping you*?

  Lois Griffin : Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. history, and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

  Bill Clinton : 35 years.

  Lois Griffin : 35 years, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

• Barbara Pewterschmidt : Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

  Lois Griffin : Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch "Medium."

  Lois Griffin : You know what? Daddy's right. Let's go upstairs where we won't bother him.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : [they all leave]  Good. All right, go "Medium"! Wish I could talk to ghosts. That'd be *sweeeet*!

• Lois Griffin : Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it.

  Peter Griffin : Me, too, Lois. It's just gonna take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I'd better clear the air with Clinton.

  [cut to Clinton's hotel room] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, listen, Bill, uh... you and I need to have a talk.

  [cut to them in bed together] 

  Peter Griffin : Boy, you are good. You are really good.

• Lois Griffin : Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation. But I think I've got a solution that'll make things right for the both of us.

  Peter Griffin : I'm listening.

  Lois Griffin : Well, the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too.

  Peter Griffin : You... wanna get me laid?

  Lois Griffin : Yes, Peter, because I don't want to lose you.

  Peter Griffin : Well, it would make us even. All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work.

  Lois Griffin : Trust me. It'll work better than the first telephone.

  [cutaway] 

  Alexander Graham Bell : Well, we did it, Watson. What an afternoon. We finally perfected the first telephone.

  Bell's Friend : Yeah. Uh... hey, listen, somebody called me today. Uh... whoever it was said some very sexual things. Some very angry, sexual things.

  Alexander Graham Bell : Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them.

  Bell's Friend : Well, th-th-that's the thing. I mean, t-there's only two phones in the... w-well, i-in the world, and one of them's in my office and the other's in your office, and those didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

  Alexander Graham Bell : Yikes! I could use a distraction right now.

  [breaking the fourth wall] 

  Alexander Graham Bell : Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

• Lois Griffin : All right, Peter, who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?

  Peter Griffin : Ah, who we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

  Lois Griffin : No, honey, it's gotta work. Just pick somebody and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if-if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? H-Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?

  Peter Griffin : Anybody I want?

  Lois Griffin : Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.

  Peter Griffin : Babs.

  Lois Griffin : [taken aback]  My mother?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah.

  Lois Griffin : Wh... wh... why?

  Peter Griffin : It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

  Lois Griffin : I... I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

  Peter Griffin : Look, you know what? She's hot. Guilty, all right? I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of "Pulp Fiction."

• Barbara Pewterschmidt : [agreeing to have sex with Peter]  Carter's been most insufferable lately, and this would just stick in his craw.

  Peter Griffin : I like your freaky spirit, but it's your craw I'm after.

  Lois Griffin : Well, I-I didn't think you'd be so receptive.

  Barbara Pewterschmidt : Are you kidding, Lois? I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look at me in the back of the head anymore.

  Lois Griffin : I see. Well, I guess we're good to go, then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

  Peter Griffin : [already naked]  Yeah. I'll see you at home.

• Lois Griffin : Well, look at you, using the toilet. I am so proud of you.

  Brian Griffin : Hey, well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.

  Lois Griffin : Well, still, good for you.

  Stewie Griffin : [coming in as she leaves]  So where are you really doing your business?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, I found a place.

• Peter Griffin : I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

  Glenn Quagmire : Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I... I want you to know I'm... I'm here for you if you need anything.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.

  [cut to him at the doctor's office] 

  Doctor : [appearing from behind him and removing a latex glove]  All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.