Family Guy (TV Series)

Airport '07 (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Driver, Stink Fleaman, Carl Sagan, Pilot, Passenger #1, Airport Manager, Little Homo, Prom Night Dumpster Baby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Quagmire : We know you have your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

• Quagmire : I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down.

  Hugh M. Hefner : Did you do the best you could?

  Quagmire : Well, I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.

  Hugh M. Hefner : You know, that reminds me of what one young man once said: John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. He said, 'You know, I've got a 13-inch penis, and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I have ever seen.'

  Quagmire : John Holmes said that?

  Hugh M. Hefner : You bet he did, right before he died a very painful AIDS-related death from having unprotected sex with so many people.

• Quagmire : [over the plane's intercom]  Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

• Stewie Griffin : [after Quagmire is offered to stay with them]  Great. This is going to be worse than the time I roomed with Marlee Matlin.

  Marlee Matlin : [cutaway scene, Marlee walks by Stewie and is farting with every step]  Hey Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh come on Marlee. I know you can't hear them, but you have to feel those things slapping out of there.

• Peter Griffin : [watching "Cosmos" with Carl Sagan, edited for rednecks]  Peter, do we have to watch this?

  Peter Griffin : This is what rednecks watch, Brian.

  [he takes out a tin of chewing tobacco, puts some in his mouth, and spits juice onto the carpet] 

  Brian Griffin : Peter, that's disgusting. Here. Spit into this cup instead.

  [he does, then sets the cup on the couch arm] 

  Stewie Griffin : [coming in]  Oh, there's my apple juice.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, wait. Don't...

  [in a thought bubble, he remembers getting beaten up by Stewie over a gambling debt in "Patriot Games"] 

  Stewie Griffin : Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?

  Brian Griffin : Ah, never mind.

  [Stewie takes a sip, spits it out, and screams in horror; Peter spits tobacco juice into his mouth, and he screams again] 

• Lois Griffin : Chris, what happened to the couch?

  Chris Griffin : Dad dragged it out on the lawn, 'cause he said that's what rednecks do.

  Peter Griffin : [on the couch outside]  Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat.

  [as she does, he yawns and puts his arm around her] 

  Meg Griffin : Dad, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40.

  [she runs away screaming] 

  Peter Griffin : Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

• Brian Griffin : [at a stand-up comedy show for rednecks]  Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating.

  Peter Griffin : Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me. This is the greatest show I've seen in years. Not like the last time I was at a comedy club.

  [cut to him at a comedy club with Cleveland] 

  Peter Griffin : I hear this guy's hilarious. He played Kramer, you know.

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, this is gonna be fun!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, wh-what the hell are you doing with a pick-up truck?

  Brian Griffin : Wait. Let me guess. This is because of the redneck comedy festival, isn't it?

  Peter Griffin : [Southern accent]  Oh, that dog o' mine!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you can't suddenly decide to be a redneck just because of some show.

  Peter Griffin : Some show? Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity I've been searching for my whole life. I am gonna do everything a redneck is supposed to do.

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh! This is gonna be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgesicle in one bite.

  Peter Griffin : [cut to him in the kitchen]  Oh, boy! A Fudgesicle!

  [taking a bite, he shudders and screams from the brain freeze, and then his head explodes] 

• Peter Griffin : Oh boy, a fudgesicle!