Family Guy (TV Series)

The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dick Cheney, Swedish Chef, Golf, Horse #2, Old Man, Mr. Furley

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dick Cheney : [as Wal-Mart greeter]  Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

• Peter Griffin : [Joe hits his ball onto the green.]  Hey Joe?

  Joe Swanson : Don't say it Peter.

  Peter Griffin : No I was just wondering...

  Joe Swanson : Peter, I swear to god.

  Peter Griffin : What's your handicap?

  Joe Swanson : [sarcastic laugh]  Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.

• Stewie : Oh Squiggly line in my eye fluid, squiggly line that lies in the parenthesis of my eye, when I look at you, you squirm away, are you shy squiggly line, only when I ignore you, you return, its okay squiggly line, you are forgiven

• Stewie : My tanning days are over, Brian. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.

  Brian Griffin : I'm not so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before.

  Stewie : What the devil! What is that?

  Brian Griffin : I don't know, you were burned pretty badly, it could be the "C" word.

  Stewie : What the hell does that have to do with anything?

  Brian Griffin : I mean cancer.

  Stewie : Oh, I thought you meant... its not important. Oh, no, cancer!

• [Stewie and Brian are ball room dancing] 

  Stewie : [whispering]  I love you.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie : I said olive juice?

  Brian Griffin : Olive juice?

  Stewie : [whispering]  I olive juice you too.

• Glenn Quagmire : [playing golf, he hits his ball into the rough]  God damn it! Come on! Come on!

  [bleeped profanity] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Come on, Glenn! Come on, get your head in the goddamn game!

  [yelling, he throws his golf bag in frustration] 

  Joe Swanson : Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?

  Cleveland Brown : A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's a stroke!

  Peter Griffin : I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, relax? Oh, okay.

  [putting a ball on the ground] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, I just tapped it again. Oh, oh, tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh! It's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!

  [bending his club over his knee, he throws it against the cart] 

  Joe Swanson : Hey, Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.

  Glenn Quagmire : You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey.

  Cleveland Brown : What does that even mean?

  Glenn Quagmire : I don't know.

  [looking up at the sky] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.

• Stewie : [talking to Brian]  You wouldn't know about it 'cause you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness.

• Brian Griffin : [Stewie gets out of his tanning bed with a terrible sunburn]  Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.

  Stewie : I've been in there for six and a half hours, you son of a bitch!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.

  Stewie : [getting slapped on the butt]  AHHH! YOU HORSE'S ASS!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!

  Peter Griffin : No! You're gonna yell at me!

  Lois Griffin : You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy!

  Peter Griffin : He called me names!

  Lois Griffin : You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child! This is a very serious situation!

  Peter Griffin : Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : I'm going to prison, aren't I?

• Joe Swanson : Peter, are you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?

  Peter Griffin : Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon. It's all right, I don't think the club'll mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about.

  Cleveland Brown : [wearing a mask of Richard Nixon]  Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.

  Golf : [passing by with a partner]  Hey, look, it's President Nixon.

  [Cleveland raises the mask] 

  Golf : No, wait, it's a black guy.

  [he puts it back on] 

  Golf : No, it's Nixon.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, there. Kyle? Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.

  Kyle : [mocking tone of voice]  "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."

  Peter Griffin : Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I-I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.

  Kyle : [still mocking]  "What you did the other day was wrong."

  Peter Griffin : You're not making this easy, Kyle.

  Kyle : "You're not making this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."

  Peter Griffin : Shut up, Kyle.

  Kyle : "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."

  Peter Griffin : Kyle, I said shut up.

  Kyle : You're a poop-nose.

  [Peter proceeds to beat him up; sneaking out of the house, he returns home and sits down on the couch next to Brian] 

  Brian Griffin : Hey, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, what's going on?

  Brian Griffin : Is something wrong?

  Peter Griffin : [nervously calm]  No, no, no, no, no, no, e-everything's... everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

  Lois Griffin : [answering the ringing phone]  Hello? Peter did what?

  Peter Griffin : Well, I'd best be getting to work.

  Brian Griffin : It's nighttime.

  Peter Griffin : Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen?

  Peter Griffin : Maybe.

  Lois Griffin : You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your Mogwai after midnight.

  [cut to them in the kitchen] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, come on, Lois, he's so cute. And he's hungry. What could go wrong?

  [taking a bite of food, it shapeshifts] 

  Fran Drescher : Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.

  [her patented annoying laugh] 

  Peter Griffin , Lois Griffin : AHHHHH!

  Peter Griffin : Kill it! Kill it!

• Lois Griffin : [learning Chris got beaten up by a bully]  Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents.

  Peter Griffin : I'll do it, Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry the Tiger.

  Terry the Tiger : They'rrree... food!

• Stewie : [pulling up to Meg and Lois on the couch in a toy car]  Hey, ladies, you mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes.

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what is that on your lip?

  Stewie : Oh, I drew a pencil mustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of mustache that says "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"

  Lois Griffin : Come here, I'll take care of that, sweetie.

  Stewie : [picking him up, she licks her thumb and wipes it off]  Ew, ew, it's got spit all over it. Ugh, now I know what it's like to have dinner with Martin Landau.

• Chris Griffin : Dad, you can't hit him!

  Randy Fulcher : Yeah. I have M.S.

  Peter Griffin : You hear that, son? He has monkey scrotum and is bragging about it.