Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)
Hugh Laurie: Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.
Photos
Quotes
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Might we ask for your name, madam?
Susan Murphy : Susan.
B.O.B. : No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
Susan Murphy : Susan.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Really?
B.O.B. : [spookily] SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : [about B.O.B] Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.
B.O.B. : Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...
[starts gasping for air]
B.O.B. : I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Suck in, B.O.B.
B.O.B. : [breathes normally] Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.
-
The Missing Link : [about Susan] She's speechless!
B.O.B. : She?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
B.O.B. : No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
The Missing Link : We need to have a talk.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : [building an atom bomb out of a plastic toy] Ah, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you? Just need a smidge.
General W.R. Monger : [on walkie-talkie] Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.
-
The Missing Link : Anyway, how, er, how was Derek?
[Susan sighs]
Susan Murphy : Derek is a selfish jerk.
B.O.B. : No!
Susan Murphy : Yes. All that talk about "us" - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno". There's no "us". There was only Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot!
[she kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
Susan Murphy : Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him. And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray and...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : And a paper clip.
Susan Murphy : Amazing! And you - you hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.
The Missing Link : And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
Susan Murphy : Amazing!
[B.O.B. lands]
Susan Murphy : B.O.B., who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
B.O.B. : Link?
Susan Murphy : Y-you.
B.O.B. : Amazing!
[Insectosaurus roars]
The Missing Link : Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.
Susan Murphy : Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself.
[stands at full height]
Susan Murphy : Ever again!
-
B.O.B. : Wow! Would you look at the size of that...
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Foot!
[Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]
B.O.B. : [from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking] I got him you guys! I go...
[robot takes a step]
B.O.B. : Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him dow...
[robot takes a step]
B.O.B. : Please tell me he's slowing down!
[robot takes a step]
-
The Missing Link : Halt! I, Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.
Gallaxhar clone : Clearly you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!
[pause]
Gallaxhar clone : Well, what're you waiting for? You, and you!
[points at B.O.B and Dr. Cockroach]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Seriously?
Gallaxhar clone : Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Uh, of course, sir.
Gallaxhar clone : And here's a security pass, just in case.
[he offers a laser gun to B.O.B]
Gallaxhar clone : Would you like a gun?
B.O.B. : Yes, I would. Hey, guys, look.
[gun goes off and hits clone]
The Missing Link : Okay...
-
Computer : Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.
Susan Murphy : We can't hold them off much longer!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Susan Murphy : Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
[Insectosaurus roars]
The Missing Link : You're right, Insecto. You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist. There's a difference.
Susan Murphy : Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be in...
The Missing Link : Let me guess, Fresno?
Susan Murphy : Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, and then New York and then some day hopefully...
The Missing Link : Yeah, we know. Paris.
Susan Murphy : Throw the switch, Doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
[he turns on the machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out. When she comes to, the others are standing over her]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Susan! Yoo-hoo!
Susan Murphy : Am I small again?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : I'm afraid not, my dear.
[Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.
-
The Missing Link : No monster has ever gotten out of here.
B.O.B. : That's not true! The invisible man did.
The Missing Link : No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
B.O.B. : Nooo!
The Missing Link : Yeah. In that very chair.
[motions towards an empty chair]
The Missing Link : He's still there.
-
Susan Murphy : I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
The Missing Link : Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
B.O.B. : And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : No no, that's me, B.O.B.
B.O.B. : Then I'll be a really giant lady.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : That's Susan, B.O.B.
B.O.B. : Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
The Missing Link : Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
B.O.B. : I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
-
The Missing Link : [as the ship is about to explode] It's been an honor knowing you, Doc.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : The feeling's mutual, my friend.
B.O.B. : I'll see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.
The Missing Link : That's right, B.O.B.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : There'll be candy, cake; balloons.
B.O.B. : Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : By Hawking's chair!
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...
[drink explodes]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : ...kick.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Wow, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.
The Missing Link : What? No, that was a great party, one of the best I've even been to since I got out of prison.
B.O.B. : I must have been at a different party, 'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : What my associate is trying to say, is that we all think the new Susan is the cat's me-WOW!
-
Susan Murphy : Where's Derek?
Wendy Murphy : Uh, he's at work, sweetie.
Carl Murphy : You know how he is about his career.
Susan Murphy : Well, we're not gonna celebrate without him.
Wendy Murphy : Susan? Wha-what do I do with all your little friends?
Susan Murphy : Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : [diving into a trashcan] Oh! Ambrosia!
-
General W.R. Monger : I've been your warden for close to fifty years. That's no longer the case. For what it's worth...
[he salutes]
B.O.B. : That's rude. What did we do?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : No, B.O.B., that's not rude. That's a sign of respect.
-
General W.R. Monger : Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
Susan Murphy : What is it, General?
General W.R. Monger : Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.
Susan Murphy : Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?
The Missing Link : What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
[Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]
The Missing Link : We're in.
B.O.B. : I'm in!
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Count me in too.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : At least the garbage was free.
-
[the resident monsters have just greeted Susan, the new arrival, in their own peculiar way]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.
The Missing Link : At least I'm talking. First new monster in years, we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a, or a mummy? Just, you know, somebody to play cards with.
-
B.O.B. : Is it just legs? Did we just capture a giant pair of legs?
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Silence, B.O.B! She'll hear us!
B.O.B. : How? Legs don't have ears.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Hello.
Susan Murphy : Eww!
[she swats at Dr. Cockroach with her spoon]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Will you stop... Careful!
[hangs on to the spoon]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : [as Susan bangs the spoon repeatedly on the table] Please, madam! Stop... doing... that! Ow!
[he finally releases the spoon and comes to lie on the table, heavily battered]
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Whatever mad scientist made you, he really went all out.
[collapses]
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : Poor Link. After all that tough talk, you were outmonstered by a girl. No wonder you're depressed.
The Missing Link : Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.
B.O.B. : Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.
The Missing Link : Well, I haven't been sleeping well, all right? I got sleep apnes... apne-, apnea. Whatever, it's not fun.
-
Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. : You can't crush a cockroach! Mwahahaha!
