Robert Smigel: Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Quotes 

• Conan O'Brien : [discussing Arnold winning the second term as governor of California]  Sir, you have reason to be happy, but you must feel bad for your fellow Republicans.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : My fellow Republicans are garbage!

  Conan O'Brien : Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute, tha- that's a little harsh.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : YOU'RE a little harsh!

  Conan O'Brien : All right, so, so, so, what do you- governor, what do you have planned for your second term?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Oh, you're going to love the sequel!

  Conan O'Brien : Yeah?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yah! Yah, my second term is going to have much more sophisticated special effects.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh really? Sir, I gotta tell ya, it's not a movie.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : YOU'RE not a movie! Here's the plot.

  Conan O'Brien : All right.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Listen!

  Conan O'Brien : All right.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Just like in "T2", during my second term, my nemesis will be an evil version of me from my first term! He will try to come back from the future to kill my propositions, but my propositions will morph into more powerful cyber propositions! And then the next election will be the future Arnold versus present Arnold versus the electronic voting machines!

  Conan O'Brien : Wait a minute, wait a minute, the electronic voting machines?

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Don't interrupt! The electronic voting machines, they will rise up and become more sophisticated and vote themselves into power! Then the humans will become the machines that the machines vote in!

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, I'm trying to follow this.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Then, they will rise up and take over the machines! So it will pretty much alternate between human, machine, human, machine, for a thousand years! Then apes! Then apes, then the apes will invent machines, and then THOSE machines will rise up and...

  Conan O'Brien : Wait a minute, wait a minute.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Shut up! I'm going to forget the ending.

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, okay.

  [Arnold hyperventilates] 

  Conan O'Brien : Calm down, calm down.

  ["rubs" Arnold's head on the monitor] 

  Conan O'Brien : Calm down.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : [briefly sings a German lullaby]  Okay, to sum up. The order of control will be humans, machines, machines, humans, apes, machine-apes, then a Danny DeVito clone, then ALIENS!

  Conan O'Brien : All right all right, y'know, you've said some odd as governor, but this has to take the cake, Arnold.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : YOU'VE said some odd things as governor, but this has to take the cake, Arnold!

  Conan O'Brien : Sir, I'm not Arnold!

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : I'M not Arnold!

  [groans] 

  Conan O'Brien : What are you, Lieberman? Come on.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Now let me tell you the end!

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, let's hear the end.

  Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger : Though man-ape and machine will live in constant strife, they will be brought together when they finally put down their weapons, peacefully gather in front of the TV, and bask in the glow of my all-time smash hit holiday classic "Jingle All the Way"!