- Tim Douglas: Hey, Cindy, how'd you like a date tonight with a really good-looking boy?
- Cindy Kennedy: Gosh, Tim, I'd love it. I'll go see if I can find one.
- Christine McGlade: Some people have asked us why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our program like on other comedy shows. Well, the truth is they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this:
- [Canned laughter is played]
- Christine McGlade: They put that on there to try and make you laugh in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this.
- [Noble music begins to play]
- Christine McGlade: We believe comedy should stand on its own. We have faith in the determined intelligence and good taste of YOU, our viewing audience. And, also, canned laughter costs a lot and we can't afford it.
- [Tim reports on a Valentine Dicso Dance by a boys and girls club that will be giving away door prizes]
- Tim Douglas: They're giving away doors?
- Marc Baillon: [directly to the camera] And now we come to one of the most important parts of the program, so listen carefully. The following enrollment in Ottawa schools could lead to a crisis of great...
- [breaks off suddenly then continues but on quite a different track]
- Marc Baillon: Not many people know what important work is done behind the scenes in television studio. That, for instance, the words that television performers speak into the camera are usually read directly off cue cards. Men who hold these cue cards are among the most valuable members of the team...
- [Ross is shown happily holding cue cards]
- Marc Baillon: ...valiantly striving behind the scenes to put the program on air, struggling for hours writing out words on large cards so that stupid performers can remember stupid lines written by overpaid, untalented writers...
- [Mark gulps uncomfortably]
- Marc Baillon: ...fawned upon by pansy producers and drunken directors...? Hey, wait a minute, this isn't what we practiced in rehearsal!
- Tim Douglas: Cindy, would you say you're stupid?
- Cindy Kennedy: That's a funny thing for a friend to ask, Tim, but - you know me - anything to oblige: "You're stupid." "You're stupid," Tim. "You're stupid."