- Lily Aldrin: [Flashback to Lily and Ted in college, very stoned] When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I begged and I begged, but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.
- Ted: Easy Bake Oven - that's what I'm going to call my van.
- Ted: [On Marshall's answering machine] Hey, Marshall. Still moping on the couch about Lily? Forget about her. You need to get over that Grinch.
- Older Ted: [Flashback] But I didn't say Grinch. I said a bad word. I said a very, very bad word...
- Ted: Oh, fudge.
- Older Ted: [Flashback] But I didn't say fudge.
- Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
- Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
- Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
- Robin: But they're comfy, right?
- Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...
- Marshall Eriksen: [During his break-up with Lily] Yeah. No, you're right. Lily would laugh at anything.
- Barney: She'd give it up for a bad pun. I'm telling you, she's a laugh slut.
- Ted: Remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching Weekend At Bernie's, but it turned out she was watching Weekend At Bernie's *2*?
- Barney: And her art? "I'm Lily, I'm an artist." She doesn't even own a beret.
- Virginia Mosby: [On the phone] Ted Evelyn Mosby!
- Ted: Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.
- Virginia Mosby: I just got the most disturbing call from Lily. How could you use such a horrible word?
- Ted: Oh, God, she called you?
- Virginia Mosby: Are you acting out because of the divorce? Is-is this all about Clint?
- Ted: No, Mom, why would it be about Clint?
- Clint: [Comes on the line] Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ?
- Ted: Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to...
- Clint: Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. You don't know this yet, but you and I are going to be great friends. Now, the Native Americans have this ritual...
- [Ted hangs up]
- Lily Aldrin: [At Lily's apartment] Some friend, you called me a Grinch.
- Ted: You were a Grinch!
- Lily Aldrin: How can you...
- Ted: Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.
- [the lights go out]
- Lily Aldrin: Happy? Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
- Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...
- Man upstairs: [Yelling downstairs] You use that language again and I'll turn off your water!
- Lily Aldrin: That's my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark.
- Ted: [At his cousin's] Okay, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents.
- Boy: Like the gift of God's love?
- Ted: No, dude, real presents.
- Boy: [Excited] Uncle Ted got us presents!
- Stacy: That's okay, Ted, we'll just give them to charity.
- Charity: Yay!
- Stacy: Uh, not you, Charity. I meant the less fortunate.
- Lily Aldrin: [about why she's mad at Ted] Do you know what I would do if one of my kindergarteners used language like that? I would be on the phone with their parents!
- Ted: I'm not a kindergartener.
- Lily Aldrin: Exactly! You know what that word means! You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface!
- Ted: I promise I will never call you a... you know, ever again.
- Lily Aldrin: It's okay. I was kind of a Grinch!
- Boy: What's a Grinch?
- Lily Aldrin: Umm... it's a word you shouldn't say!
- Boy: Mom, what's a Grinch?
- [Stacy spits out her drink in horror]
- Kids: [Chanting] Grinch! Grinch! Grinch!
- Ted: Uhh, Merry Christmas!
- [Running out with his friends]
- Ted: Let's get out of here!
- Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan... it's gonna be legen- wait for it-...
- [he falls asleep]
- Barney: .
- Ted: Decorations, is that really what Christmas is about?
- Marshall Eriksen: Hell, yeah! What else would it be about?
- Ted: Uh, try the birth of Christ. You know, Christmas - Christ Mas, which means "More Christ" to our Spanish friends.