Robot Chicken (TV Series)

Sausage Fest (2006)

Seth Green: Professor Charles Xavier, Nermal, God, Satan, Li'l Hitler, Various

Quotes 

• Heathcliff : I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.

  Garfield : Judge, if I might. I'd like to present this affidavit.

  [Opens his suitcase revealing lasagna] 

  Garfield : Oh, sorry, your honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.

  [the jury yawns] 

  Heathcliff : Aw, that joke sucks! Even for you!

  Judge : Court agrees. That joke sucked.

• [Being used a shield against Heathcliff] 

  Nermal : Ah! I'm dying! AH! I'm so cute and I'm dying!

  [Gets flung out the window] 

• Burger King CEO : What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King!

• Giraffe : [Struggling waist-deep in quicksand]  Uh oh.

  Giraffe : [Screen: Stage One - Denial]  It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand! I'll have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys.

  [laughs] 

  Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Two - Anger]  Well this is just fucking perfect! Stupid quicksand, stupid jungle, argh, I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Fuck! Stupid jungle! Fuck!

  Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Three - Bargaining]  Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. Deal?

  Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Four - Depression] 

  [uncontrollable sobs] 

  Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Five - Acceptance]  You know something? I'm cool with this. I'll bet, I'll bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat. And everyone gets their own slurpie machine. Yeah. Take me sweet death, I await your loving embrace!

  [stamp] 

  Giraffe : Uh, what? I think I hit the bottom. Fuck.

• God : Ah, here it is. The book of your life.

  [Hands William a book] 

  William David Reynolds : Wow!

  [takes a look inside to find the pages blank] 

  William David Reynolds : Huh?

  God : Just ask the book any question about your life, and the answer shall be revealed.

  William David Reynolds : Uh... how many days did I live?

  [the book displays 11,972 days] 

  William David Reynolds : Cool! How many hours is that?

  [the book displays 287,326 hours] 

  God : It's not a calculator. This is the book of your life.

  God : Ooh, how many times did I hear the song "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls?

  [the book displays 106 times] 

  William David Reynolds : Huh, I thought it would be more then that.

  [the book displays 'Nope'] 

  God : Why not ask the book about your actions on Earth and how they impacted your loved one?

  William David Reynolds : In a minute. Book, if I made bricks out of all the poop I ever pooped out and built a 6-foot high wall out of the bricks, how long could I make that wall?

  [the book displays 2.7 miles] 

  God : This is ridiculous. Book, tell this man how many moments of happiness he gave his friends and family.

  William David Reynolds : Boring! Book, could I have filled the Empire State Building with my own poop?

  God : Don't answer that, book!

  William David Reynolds : I want to know!

  God : No!