- Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
- Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
- Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
- Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
- Jack: I want all of our love letters.
- Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
- Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
- Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
- Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
- Bianca Donaghy: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!
- Liz Lemon: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight, and I can't tell who they're from... No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed... No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... Well, that is just... Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, and they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!
- [hangs up]
- Toofer: Okay, I got a hard one: Osama bin Laden, Martha Stewart, Jenna.
- Frank Rossitano: Bone Osama bin Laden, to shame him, and then his own people would murder him. Marry Martha Stewart, 'cause, you know, she seems like a dirty bird, and kill Jenna.
- Josh Girard: Cerie, marry, boff, kill: Lutz, Toofer or Kenneth.
- Cerie: I'd marry Toofer, because he's classy. I'd kill Lutz. Sorry, Lutz.
- Lutz: The thought that you'd do anything to me is awesome.
- Cerie: And I'd boff Kenneth.
- Jack: [Drunk and playing with the TV remote after bringing a hooker to Tracy's hotel room] Ooh, video games! We could play video games.
- Kenneth Parcell: Well, it's like Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, "Women should be more accommodating to their men for the health of the marriage."
- Cerie: She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor?
- Kenneth Parcell: No, I think she's kinda like Dr. Pepper.
- Floyd: Uh, you're Liz Lemon, right?
- Liz Lemon: Yeah.
- Floyd: OK. Uh, this is super awkward, but did you get two dozen pink roses last night? Yep, there they are.
- Liz Lemon: Those are from you?
- Floyd: Yes. Uh, I work up in legal, and...
- Liz Lemon: You're a lawyer?
- Floyd: I prefer law stylist. Uh, anyway, I meant to send these to my girlfriend, Liz Lemler, who works in accounting.
- Liz Lemon: [softly] Oh.
- Floyd: Yeah. There's actually supposed to be a box of chocolate-covered cherries with this, did you...
- Liz Lemon: I don't know anything about that.
- Floyd: Fair enough.
- Liz Lemon: Cerie, do you mind working late on Valentine's Day?
- Cerie: No, I don't care. Aris and I are in a huge fight anyway.
- Liz Lemon: Well... Aris? Is that your fiancé, Aris?
- Cerie: Yeah, he keeps sending me all these flowers to apologize, but he's still insisting on having a Greek Orthodox wedding, but I really disagree with the church's stance on Cyprus.