Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (2007)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Berta : [to Charlie]  That was some fall you took.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

  Berta : You'd think the liquor industry would promote that.

  Charlie Harper : It *is* a selling point, right up there with making ugly people do-able.

• Charlie Harper : [to his penis]  Yes, I know she's hot, but I'm thinking long-term, so shut up!

• Charlie Harper : [to Alan]  ... Why wouldn't she want you?

  Alan Harper : I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.

• Charlie Harper : [Alan is upset with Charlie when Jake discovers porn on Charlie's computer]  Look, it's not hard-core. It's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party.

  Jake Harper : [confused]  I didn't see pajamas.

• Danielle : Uh, well, for the last eight years I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement.

  Charlie Harper : Ohh, a working woman.

• Berta : [talking about Alan]  Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp?

  Charlie Harper : Okay, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If *I* sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But if I teach my *brother* to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the *rest* of my life.

  Berta : Nice plan, but it'll never happen.

  Charlie Harper : Don't... don't... say that.

  [spits three times] 

  Charlie Harper : Unjinx! Unjinx! Unjinx!

  Berta : Charlie, she is way out of his league.

  Charlie Harper : I know that! Everybody's out of his league! He doesn't even have a league! He's just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet! But luckily, he has me.

  Berta : Color me dubious.