Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Math (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Rochelle : [to Chris]  Hey, baby. I thought you had to work today.

  Chris : I asked Doc for the day off.

  Rochelle : Why? What's wrong?

  Chris : Algebra. We have this pizza day coming up and we can't win unless I bring up my test score.

  Rochelle : Is that how they get you to pass your classes these days, is by giving you pizza? I guess if they gave you steak, you'd be headed to class.

  Narrator : And if they gave you chicken, you'd open up the Apollo.

• Rochelle : You know, your grandmother was a great algebra teacher.

  Chris : Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. So you think she can work with me?

  Rochelle : You could work with me. I know algebra like the back of my hand.

  Narrator : Which will probably end up upside my head.

• Chris : You know, maybe Grandma can help me. We could call her.

  Rochelle : No, because she's gonna to tell you the same thing. If you can add and subtract, you can do this.

  Narrator : My mother applied that logic to a lot of situations.

  Rochelle : [scene cuts Chris and his family in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]  If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

  [scene cuts to Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons] 

  Rochelle : Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest.

  [to another surgeon] 

  Rochelle : Suture.

  [scene cuts Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers] 

  Rochelle : If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

  [Tonya jumps out of the plane without her parachute] 

  Rochelle : Oh, baby, you forgot your parachute!

• Drew : [to Tonya]  How come you didn't tell?

  Tonya : Because you're going to do whatever I tell you to do and if you don't, then I'm gonna tell. Now go get me some popcorn. Go ahead.

  Narrator : I wonder if that's how Hillary Clinton got started.

• Maxine : [to Chris]  Pizza is not the only thing you won't be getting if you don't pass this class. What? You want to grow up to be a toll booth operator?

  Narrator : I did, but E-ZPass took all the jobs.

• Rochelle : [When Rochelle finds out that Maxine has been tutoring Chris in math]  Chris, how come you just didn't say something instead of sneaking around? What else are you learning on the side? English? Science? History? Where does it stop?

  Narrator : One day, she caught me speaking Latin and kicked me out of the house.

• Chris : Ma? Are you okay?

  Rochelle : I'm fine.

  Chris : You're not mad?

  Rochelle : No. Why would you think that?

  Narrator : Because those mashed potatoes just started bleeding.

• Narrator : If all studying were rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would've won a Nobel Prize.

• Chris : [to Ms. Morello]  I just don't get algebra. Maybe you could tutor me after school.

  Ms. Morello : I'm sorry, Chris. I don't have time. Have you called the United Negro College Fund? Maybe they can help.

  Narrator : History would later prove her wrong.

• Greg Wuliger : [to Chris]  You've got to come through for us, dude. Remember last year how we could smell the pizza coming down the hall and then passing us by and leaving us like the last helicopter out of Saigon?

  Narrator : Greg had watched "First Blood" on TV the night before.

• Rochelle : God, Chris, what kind of answer is that?

  Narrator : The kind you come up with, with a crazy woman screaming at you.

• Maxine : Don't feel bad, Chris. I taught Rochelle everything she knows, but I didn't teach her everything I know. Teaching is a skill. No different than flying a plane.

  Narrator : Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

• Maxine : Rochelle, all you did was holler at the boy.

  Narrator : My mother was hollering at her boy long before it was cool to holla at your boy.

• Maxine : [to Rochelle]  See, that's another thing. You don't listen.

  Rochelle : If he just did what I said, we wouldn't have a problem!

  Narrator : I did what you said. That's why we're here.

  Maxine : Did you hear what I said? Better yet, do you hear yourself?

  Rochelle : Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doing?

  Narrator : Yes.

• Narrator : I'll tell her and you tell everyone my last words were "Thanks a lot, Grandma."

• Risky : Hey, Julius.

  Julius : Man, where's your uniform?

  Risky : Yeah, I got to talk to you about that.

  Julius : Man, look, I told you, we're not selling your stuff out here.

  Risky : I'm not going out with you. I'm gonna have to quit.

  Julius : Quit? Man, we got work to do! You can't just up and quit every time you don't like something.

  Narrator : It works for Terrell Owens.