Scrubs (TV Series)

My Fishbowl (2007)

Sarah Chalke: Dr. Elliot Reid

Quotes 

• Private Brian Dancer : Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?

  Private Brian Dancer : What?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.

  Private Brian Dancer : Oh no, filthy's fine.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating]  After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.

  [out loud] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Was it because I broke up with you?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : No, J.D.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, good, good, good, good.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!

  Private Brian Dancer : So, how'd you try it?

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : Brian!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Please, you're dying to know...

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : No, I am not! When Elliot...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...

  Dr. Perry Cox : If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...

  Private Brian Dancer : Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : [realizing Turk's gonna fart]  Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : J.D., drop it.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : What happened that night?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : This is how I remember it.

  [J.D.'s flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard...

  Stacy Blue : [flashback, in J.D.'s high-pitched voice]  Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [flashback]  So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week!". Then you said...

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [flashback, in J.D.'s mocking voice]  Chill out, dawg! You know you're my boyeeeee! This ain't be what it looks like... a'ight?

  [J.D.'s flashback ends] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : But it wasn't "a'ight", was it, Turk?

  Dr. Christopher Turk : This is what really happened.

  [Turk's flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage] 

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said...

  Stacy Blue : [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice]  Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [flashback]  We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like...

  Stacy Blue : [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice]  Uh, I'm cold... let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [flashback]  Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say...

  Stacy Blue : [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice, as Turk makes a basketball spin around on his finger]  Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [flashback]  Then you came in and said...

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [flashback, in Turk's mocking voice]  Ah... hey guys...

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [flashback]  "Calm down, J.D.: this isn't what it looks like". Then I said "All right?"

  [Turk's flashback ends] 

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Nothing happened. So drop it.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!