Scrubs (TV Series)

My Fishbowl (2007)

Michael Weston: Private Brian Dancer

Quotes 

• Private Brian Dancer : Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?

  Private Brian Dancer : What?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.

  Private Brian Dancer : Oh no, filthy's fine.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating]  After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.

  [out loud] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Was it because I broke up with you?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : No, J.D.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, good, good, good, good.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!

  Private Brian Dancer : So, how'd you try it?

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : Brian!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Please, you're dying to know...

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : No, I am not! When Elliot...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...

  Dr. Perry Cox : If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...

  Dr. Elliot Reid : So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...

  Private Brian Dancer : Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : [realizing Turk's gonna fart]  Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

• Dr. Perry Cox : [writing on a prescription pad]  Here is the name of a really good therapist.

  Private Brian Dancer : Look I know. You think I owe it to myself...

  Dr. Perry Cox : Please! Who cares about you? Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks. I mean for God's sake, if I had known back then that you were just gonna go ahead and give up, I'd have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow, and spend all my extra time catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [thinking]  Oh my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech! Stop smiling!

  Dr. Perry Cox : So no Brian, no. You don't owe anything to yourself, but... you damn sure owe each one of us.

  Private Brian Dancer : [humbly taking the note]  Fine. I'll call him.