- [Kondo sits in a pile of pumpkins, and holds up a sign]
- Shimura Tae: "I love you a pile"? What the hell does that mean?
- [Kondo is wearing scuba gear, and is holding a tennis racket]
- Kondo Isao: I'm very athletic. I like tennis and scuba diving, you see...
- Shimura Tae: Decide on one, you damned degenerate!
- Sakata Gintoki: How nice... it's sunset. Duels should be fought in the evening.
- Kondo Isao: You've got a silver tongue, for a silver-headed perm boy.
- Sakata Gintoki: You're pretty articulate yourself, for a gorilla.
- Kondo Isao: I'm not a gorilla! I may look like a gorilla, but I'm not!
- Hijikata Toshiro: [on Kondo] Right about now, he's probably either talking to some government bigwigs, or practicing his swordsmanship alone...
- Kondo Isao: [to Otae] I'm such a pitiful wreck. There's no way any woman would go for me. I'm just no good.
- Hijikata Toshiro: [directing traffic] Hey you, who gave you permission to change direction? Get back here! Don't run away from me!
- Okita Sougo: Well Hijikata-san. Your reach is too short. So let me take care of this one.
- Hijikata Toshiro: Take care of it how?
- [Okita blows a hole in the street with his bazooka]
- Okita Sougo: Oh, you really did it this time.
- Hijikata Toshiro: What do you mean, "I did it", you invertebrate?
- [as the second half of the show begins]
- Sakata Gintoki: This is Gintama, right? Hey? What? Huh? Right? If it were just Tama it'd be a flop! If I'm not in it, why is it Gintama?
- Shimura Shinpachi: Well, today's episode is called: 'Exposé! 24 hours in the lives of the out-of-control Shinsengumi!'
- Sakata Gintoki: What's up with that? I didn't hear about this!
- Shimura Shinpachi: Don't complain, Gin-san. At this rate, the Shinsengumi may actually become the main characters.
- Sakata Gintoki: Seriously? That's right, they didn't show the Gintama opening song today! That was a close call. This is Gintama! And I'm the main character!
- [the opening credits start]
- Sakata Gintoki: Idiot. I'm not going to run for small fry like you.
- Kondo Isao: Finally. You're late! Were you getting your hair dyed or something?
- Sakata Gintoki: A hero never dyes his hair! I needed sugar!
- Kondo Isao: I never heard of a hero who needs a sugar rush to fight.
- Kondo Isao: You're a good man. No, you're an honorable man. Kid, lend me your bokuto.
- Sakata Gintoki: You're a good man too. Use that, my pride and joy, the Touya-ko.
- Sakata Gintoki: You're so naive, Soooo naive... to think that an enemy would give you his weapon. I fixed it earlier so that it'd break if you so much as swung it around.
- Sakata Gintoki: It would be stupid for anyone to lose anything over a matter like this. This was the best way to settle it painlessly.
- Kondo Isao: [on the ground, beaten up] This is painless?
- Sakata Gintoki: All right then. Let's go you guys...
- Kagura: [strangling Gintoki from behind] I misjudged you! I thought you were an honorable samurai!
- Shimura Shinpachi: [kicking Gintoki] Are you proud of yourself, you damn dirty cheat?
- Sakata Gintoki: Come on, I protected your sister. Don't be like...
- Kagura: I'm going home. Don't ever show your face to me again!
- Shimura Shinpachi: I'm taking a leave of absence!
- Shimura Tae: Painless, eh? Well, it looks like Gin-chan's the one in the most pain, in the end...