The Simpsons (TV Series)

Crook and Ladder (2007)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Mayor Quimby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Homer : Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

• Todd Flanders : Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?

  Homer : Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.

  Rod Flanders : But users are losers.

  Homer : You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"

• Homer : Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.

  Marge : Just come back alive, okay?

  Homer : Don't tell me how to do my job.

• Homer : [after the dog gives Maggie his squeaky toy]  Good job, boy. As a reward, we're going to treat your heart murmur, and not just see how it goes.

• Homer : We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, the heroic tapeworm, and America's sweetheart, the maggot.

• Mayor Quimby : Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are the only training you need or shall ever receive.

• Homer : Are you a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.

• Homer : Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.

• Marge : I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.

  Grampa : It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.

• Bart : Why am I sleeping, when next door is every kid's dream? A fat, easily susceptible zombie dad.

  [Homer is under the effects of a sleeping pill] 

  Bart : Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?

  Homer : Zombie kill.

  Bart : No, play.

  Homer : Zombie file grievance.

• Homer : I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?

  Lisa : That's just someone barbecueing.

  Homer : Oh. Is that one?

  Bart : That's just a guy with red hair.

  Homer : Oh.

• Bart : And that's just one of the many fun things we can do.

  Homer : Zombie montage.