Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)

Admiral Peralta (2020)

Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta

Photos 

Quotes 

• Walter Peralta : Wow. It's really been quite a while, huh? Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?

  Jake Peralta : The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories. Anyways, I'm an adult now. How are you?

• Roger Peralta : Aw, Jake. I am excited that you're having a kid.

  Jake Peralta : Thank you, Dad. Oh, and hey, if you're free next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party.

  Roger Peralta : Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam. I would not invite relatives.

• Roger Peralta : We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.

  Jake Peralta : Title of your sex tape.

  Roger Peralta : No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."

  Jake Peralta : What?

  Roger Peralta : "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

• Jake Peralta : I'm getting a text. Ooh. "I will see you soon, sir." Guess who that was.

  Charles Boyle : Elton John.

  Jake Peralta : What?

  Charles Boyle : You said "sir," and that's on you.

• Roger Peralta : Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.

  Jake Peralta : What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.

  Roger Peralta : Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.

  Jake Peralta : Well, that's fun to hear.

  Roger Peralta : Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

• Jake Peralta : [Jake and Amy have just announced their pregnancy, but everyone reacts very unenthusiastically to the news]  What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.

  Charles Boyle : I'm so sorry, I'll try.

  [inhales] 

  Charles Boyle : It's not working. Somebody choke me.

  Rosa Diaz : On it.

• Raymond Holt : What the hell is my father doing here?

  Jake Peralta : You said you wanted to reconcile.

  Raymond Holt : I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

• Roger Peralta : Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.

  Walter Peralta : She was the child I never had.

  Roger Peralta : I was the child you did have! Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.

  Jake Peralta : Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

• Roger Peralta : Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?

  Walter Peralta : I do not.

  Roger Peralta : That's on him. I tried.

  Jake Peralta : I really don't think you did.

• Jake Peralta : Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?

  Roger Peralta : Okay. I'll be nice.

  [later] 

  Roger Peralta : I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!

  Jake Peralta : You said you were gonna be nice.

  Roger Peralta : I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.

• Jake Peralta : So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.

  Roger Peralta : I wouldn't be so sure.

• Walter Peralta : [Reminiscing on his favorite memory with his son]  While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.

  Roger Peralta : Yeah, he broke his arm.

  Walter Peralta : You could see the bone.

  Roger Peralta : [laughs]  Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?

  Walter Peralta : And you could see the bone.

  Roger Peralta : It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.

  Walter Peralta : Oh, oh, it was beautiful.

  Roger Peralta : God, I hope somebody found him.

  Jake Peralta : Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

• Jake Peralta : Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it.

  [gasps] 

  Jake Peralta : We have to "Birdbox" it.

  Walter Peralta : And "Birdbox" is the bakery.

  Jake Peralta : No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.

  Roger Peralta : I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.

• Jake Peralta : [Jake's dad and granddad have fought yet again and Walter wants to leave the party]  Wait, wait, no, don't go! We reversed the curse! Don't reverse the curse reverse!

• Roger Peralta : You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.

  Jake Peralta : I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.