My Best Friend's Girl (2008)

Dane Cook: Tank

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Tank : [after Dustin's eyebrow has been buzzed off]  We can fix this right?

  Burt : Oh sure, why don't we just pop back into my DeLorean.

• Tank : You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.

• Tank : I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.

• Tank : I bet back in the day you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie.

  Merrilee : You bet your sweet ass I was.

• Tank : The only funny thing that will ever come out of you, is me!

• Tank : Look at you all white and thin. I bet if I laid you on this bar she could snort you.

• Tank : Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.

• Dustin : You need to get her back.

  Tank : But I don't deserve her.

  Dustin : No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.

  Tank : That's fucked up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.

  Dustin : Yes. So what's stopping you?

  Tank : I propositioned her mother for a blow job.

• Tank : [sitting watching "Ghost" and crying]  God, I'm a fag.

• Tank : How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.

• Heavily Pierced Kid : Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?

  Tank : How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

  Heavily Pierced Kid : People worship it.

  Hilary : I am deeply offended.

  Tank : I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.

• Tank : [to Alexis' mother]  So, are we gonna do this or what?

  [Stands up, steps in front of Alexis' mom and drops his pants] 

  Tank : Come on, it's not gonna suck itself!

• Tank : What do you call that stuff AJ?

  AJ : "Afganhi cusho kryptonite".

  Tank : Killed Superman - I'm just a man

  Ami : You really like a super special kind of asshole?

  Tank : And I ride the special kind of asshole bus to school.

• Tank : Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth.

• Tank : Easy, Urlacher. Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? If the pussy police here would stop ordering her french fries tempura...

  Claire : I just had a child!

  Tank : Well, congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. Looks like you downed the whole thing.

• Tank : I would kick you in the ass, but my foot might get sucked in.

  Alexis : Well I would kick you in the dick, but my foot might get Herpes.

• Tank : She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.

• Rachel : Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.

  Tank : Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.

• Alexis : She's my roommate.

  Tank : I bet she gives great head.

• Tank : How do I bump into her?

  Craig : She's a high school English teacher.

  Tank : I can't really hang around high school these days unfortunately.

• Tank : You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me.

• Tank : If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks

  [makes whimpering noise] 

  Tank : . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!

• Ami : Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.

  Tank : Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' goddamn what do ya call that shit AJ?

  AJ : Afghani kush krytonite.

  Tank : Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.

  Ami : You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?

• Tank : She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty".

• Tank : Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone.

• Tank : [Addressing Alexis]  Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey.

• Tank : I tried like a motherfucker to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session.

• Tank : Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary.

• Tank : [Holding up number from Alexis, who he just met]  Daddy bee's got the honey.

• Dustin : What about frosting my tips?

  Tank : What are you, a mini wheat?

• Tank : Yet, I am concerned that you've had a few too many drinks and now your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.

• Tank : I mean, baby, get your head in the game. Nothing tastes as good as looking good.