- Angie Lopez: [about Jason] Carmen, he's moved across the country, he won't return your calls, and now he sent your gift back. What does that tell you?
- Carmen Lopez: Mom, it's so obvious what's going on.
- Max Lopez: It is to us, but what do *you* think is going on?
- Carmen Lopez: Jason's 3,000 miles away. A picture of me would just make him miss me more.
- Angie Lopez: Sweetheart, if I end up slapping you in your face, it's to help you, not to hurt you.
- George Lopez: What do you think you're doing?
- Benny: I was drying my hair in my living room and now I'm stirring my beans in my kitchen.
- [stirs a pot on her car hood]
- George Lopez: Mom, you can't live in your car.
- Benny: Well, you kicked me out.
- George Lopez: I gave you a check for an apartment or did you gamble that away, too?
- Benny: No, I did not. I cashed it and locked it in my glove compartment. Now if you will excuse me, please, I'm going to start my house so I can dry my underwear on the engine block.
- Angie Lopez: Wake your mom up! Her car is on fire!
- George Lopez: What?
- Angie Lopez: Her car's outside, AND IT'S ON FIRE!
- George Lopez: God!
- Angie Lopez: Where is she? In the living room?
- George Lopez: [gets fire extinguisher] No, she's living in her car.
- Angie Lopez: What?
- George Lopez: I kicked her out because she was gambling. That's what Mexican families do.
- Angie Lopez: George!
- George Lopez: Don't yell at me, Angie! I gotta put out my mother!
- Benny: Hey check it out, Angie's nightshirt just fits me.
- Ernie: [reads front] You want fries...
- [reads back when she turns around]
- Ernie: With this shake?
- George Lopez: Ugh, that's not a shake, that's an Unhappy Meal.
- Angie Lopez: Hey Benny, I'm going shopping, you need anything to get you started?
- Benny: Everything, toothpaste, deodorant, underwear, whiskey... actually you know what, with enough whiskey, I wouldn't even care about the underwear.
- [Ernie comes in carrying a can with Benny's picture on it]
- George Lopez: What's with the can?
- Ernie: Oh, I hit the neighborhood to try and raise money for your mom. I told everyone how she'd lost her savings when her house burned down and that any amount of money will help, no matter how small.
- Angie Lopez: Ernie, this can's empty.
- Ernie: Yeah, I know. She's not well-liked. Oh, uh, there were some notes, though. Check it out.
- [pulls out the notes]
- Ernie: [reads] "You deserve it." "You had it coming." "What the hell does God have to do to finish you off?" Oh. "I hope you build a new house..."
- Angie Lopez: Well, that's not bad.
- Ernie: [continues] "But this time the windows are painted shut so you're trapped inside and you burn alive like the wicked witch you are."
- George Lopez: Who signed that? I want to send him a Christmas card.
- Ernie: Actually, a whole lot of people signed it. It's more like a petition.