- Ted Lasso: Hey, how y'all doin'? I'm Ted Lasso, your new coach. You must be Ms. Welton.
- Rebecca Welton: Please, call me Rebecca. Ms. Welton's my father.
- Ted Lasso: If that's a joke, I love it. If not, I cannot wait to unpack that with ya.
- Rebecca Welton: How do you take your tea?
- Ted Lasso: Well, usually I take it right back to the counter because someone has made a horrible mistake, but when in Rome, right? Well, look at that.
- Rebecca Welton: Well?
- Ted Lasso: You know, I always thought that tea was going to taste like hot brown water, and you know what? I was right. It's horrible. No thank you.
- Rebecca Welton: Welcome to England!
- Ted Lasso: Hey, takin' on a challenge is a lot like ridin' a horse. If you're comfortable while you're doin' it, you're probably doin' it wrong.
- George: Fired? What the fuck for?
- Rebecca Welton: I suppose I could go for any number of reasons, really. Your casual misogyny, for one.
- George: What?
- Rebecca Welton: I know, it's a big word. Ask one of your daughters what it means. Or perhaps it's your performance, having led this team through yet another remarkably average season. Or maybe it's because you insist on wearing those tiny shorts that force me to see one of your testicles.
- George: [George fidgets in his seat] .
- Rebecca Welton: And there's the other one.
- Ted Lasso: We're supposed to be meetin' with a Rebecca Welton.
- Nathan Shelley: Yeah, that's where I'm taking you.
- Ted Lasso: Oh! Look at this guy, one step ahead. Hey, what's your name, by the way?
- Nathan Shelley: Me?
- Ted Lasso: Yeah.
- Nathan Shelley: No one ever asks my name.
- Ted Lasso: I mean, whenever you're ready.
- Nathan Shelley: Oh! It's Nathan.
- Rebecca Welton: Would you like to take a tour?
- Ted Lasso: Yeah; I'd love to see Abbey Road.
- Rebecca Welton: Of the club.
- Ted Lasso: Yeah! Let's start there.
- George: I love what you done with the place. Did you do it yourself, or did you get some pouf to help ya?
- Rebecca Welton: I could ask the same of your hair.
- Leslie Higgins: Ms. Welton, I was a bit skeptical, but after hearing you speak in there, I'm excited by your choice. Coach Lasso is just what we need.
- Rebecca Welton: He's an absolute wanker.
- Leslie Higgins: I know. Eh, pardon?
- Rebecca Welton: I hope he fails miserably. See, my ex-husband truly loved only one thing his entire life: this club. And Ted Lasso is gonna help me burn it to the ground. I want to torture Rupert. I want him to feel like he's being fucked in the ass with a splintered cricket bat, just in and out, over and over in a constant loop.
- Ted Lasso: Whatcha reading? Another soccer book. Coach, you are a sponge. Come on. Hit me with a fun fact.
- Coach Beard: They don't say 'out of bounds.' They say 'into touch.'
- Ted Lasso: Okay, you owe me five bucks if I sneak that into a sentence later.
- Coach Beard: You're on.
- Coach Beard: [That's] Sam Obisanya. He's a rich back defender outta the Nigerian league.
- Ted Lasso: Nigeria? Like Africa? So these fellas are from all over the place?
- [points out Tommy]
- Ted Lasso: I mean, he must be from England, yeah?
- Coach Beard: Wales.
- Ted Lasso: Is that another country?
- Coach Beard: Yes and no.
- Ted Lasso: How many countries are in this country?
- Coach Beard, Nathan Shelley: Four.
- Ted Lasso: It's kinda like America these days.
- Ted Lasso: Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding horses - if you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.
- Coach Beard: You didn't sleep at all?
- Ted Lasso: Not a wink. No, my brain just kept on cooking. At first, I was thinking about not sleeping. Then I was thinking about thinking about not sleeping, and that - that's never good. Next thing you know, they're handing out warm chocolate chip cookies and the plane is landing.
- Coach Beard: I didn't get a cookie. Did you eat mine?
- Ted Lasso: That's not part of the story.
- Rebecca Welton: Do you believe in ghosts Ted?
- Ted Lasso: I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.