The Good Place (TV Series)
The Funeral to End All Funerals (2019)
Ted Danson: Michael
Photos
Quotes
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Judge : I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside-down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael : But don't forget, there's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason, and Tahani got better in the original experiment. So that's six people. That's the number of friends in "Friends". Are you gonna sit there and tell me that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
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Eleanor Shellstrop : Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question. Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions. He is brilliant and empathetic. All he cares about is how best to treat other people, and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. If we're gonna pull this off, we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories.
Michael : You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?
Eleanor Shellstrop : I don't know how it's gonna go. But he is our only chance, and it is now or literally never. Wake... him... up.
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Judge : SPOILER: Michael, you came to me and said the points system was flawed, a system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.
Michael : [stunned] I'm...
Judge : You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
Michael : [laughs in disbelief] Well... that wasn't so hard now, was it?
[everyone in the courtroom cheers and celebrates]
Judge : The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
[celebrations stop abruptly]
Eleanor Shellstrop : Buhh... Earth is what, now?
Judge : All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I *am* actually rebooting "Ally McBeal", because I'm rebooting everything. Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
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Michael : Shawn.
Shawn : Michael.
Michael : Bounces off me and sticks to you.
[pause]
Michael : Wait, no, I messed that up. First, say something mean to me, really cruel, something that just guts me. You're totally gonna be glue.
Shawn : So it's come to this. We have finally arrived at the end of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans are more than just mobile turd factories. And you're going to fail again, because that is what you do. You're a choker, Michael. And you're about to choke for the last time... except for the eternity you're going to spend in the Bad Place being choked by me, who will be doing the choking.
Michael : [weakly] Well, you're glue.
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Michael : The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?
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Michael : Hello, Good Place committee. Thank you for coming.
Chuck : No, thank you, Michael. You did an incredible job, maybe the best job that anyone's ever done at any task.
Michael : But you don't know how we did.
Chuck : We might not know how you did, but we know you did great. And Shawn, before we even find out what happened, we want you to know we're willing to give up all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway.
Shawn : I met your mom halfway last night.
[the committee all start laughing]
Paula : So colorful!
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Eleanor Shellstrop : I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?
Michael : Yes, and here's a bottle of tequila.
Eleanor Shellstrop : Okay.
