The Hangover (2009)

Bradley Cooper: Phil

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Alan Garner : What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

  Phil Wenneck : How'd he die?

  Alan Garner : World War II.

  Phil Wenneck : Died in battle?

  Alan Garner : No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

• Alan Garner : Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

  Phil Wenneck : Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?

  Stu Price : I don't know, because I don't remember.

  Phil Wenneck : Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.

  Alan Garner : One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.

  Stu Price : You are literally too stupid to insult.

  Alan Garner : Thank you.

• Alan Garner : [looks at his manual]  It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

  Doug Billings : I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.

  Alan Garner : Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

  Stu Price : It's also illegal.

  Alan Garner : It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

  Phil Wenneck : I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

  Alan Garner : Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

• Woman in Elevator : [looks at the baby]  Oh, how cute. What's his name?

  Phil Wenneck : Ben.

  Alan Garner : Carlos.

• Phil Wenneck : Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

• Phil Wenneck : The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?

  Dr. Valsh : I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

• Phil Wenneck : To a night the four of us will never forget!

• Phil Wenneck : Who's this?

  Doug Billings : It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

  Alan Garner : I met you like four times.

  Phil Wenneck : Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

• Phil Wenneck : [a kid tries to ask him a question at school]  It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.

• Officer Franklin : [to a group of schoolchildren]  Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal

  [tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses] 

  Officer Franklin : ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.

  Officer Franklin : Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.

  [Alan steps forward] 

  Officer Franklin : Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.

  [to Phil] 

  Officer Franklin : You, pretty boy.

  Officer Franklin : [to girl]  Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?

  Phil Wenneck : You don't really want to do this.

  Officer Franklin : You can do this. Just focus.

  Phil Wenneck : Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.

  Officer Franklin : *Finish him!*

  [the girl tasers Phil] 

  Officer Franklin : Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!

  Officer Franklin : Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

  [the kid tasers Alan] 

  Officer Franklin : *In the face! In the face!*

• Phil Wenneck : [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker]  Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.

  [to himself] 

  Phil Wenneck : I should have been a fucking cop.

• Melissa : I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

  Stu Price : They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.

  Phil Wenneck : [yells from outside]  Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!

  Stu Price : I should go.

  Melissa : That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

• Old Timer at Gas Station : [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas]  Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

  Alan Garner : Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.

  [the old man walks away] 

  Alan Garner : Yeah. You better walk on...

  Phil Wenneck : [to Doug, inside the gas station]  He's actually kind of funny.

  Doug Billings : Yeah, he means well.

  Alan Garner : [in the background]  I'll hit an old man in public.

• Phil Wenneck : [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug]  GOD DAMN IT!

  Alan Garner : Gosh darn it!

  Phil Wenneck : SHIT!

  Alan Garner : Shoot!

• Phil Wenneck : Tracy, it's Phil.

  Tracy Garner : Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.

  Tracy Garner : What are you talking about?

  Phil Wenneck : The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.

  Tracy Garner : What?

  Phil Wenneck : We can't find Doug.

  Tracy Garner : What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

• Phil Wenneck : Whose fucking baby is that?

  Stu Price : Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?

  Alan Garner : Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

• [last lines] 

  Doug Billings : We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

  Stu Price : I say we delete it right now.

  Phil Wenneck : Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?

  Alan Garner : Yeah it's in there!

  Doug Billings : Guys, one time. Deal?

  Phil Wenneck : Deal!

  Stu Price : Deal.

  Alan Garner : OK.

  [the four of them look into the camera] 

  Stu Price : Oh dear Lord!

  Alan Garner : That's classic!

• Alan Garner : Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?

  Phil Wenneck : Who cares, man.

  Alan Garner : Do you know Stu?

  Stu Price : I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.

  Alan Garner : But it's not tonight right?

  Stu Price : No I don't think so.

  Alan Garner : But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

• Phil Wenneck : You're not really wearing that are you?

  Alan Garner : Wearing what?

  Phil Wenneck : The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?

  Alan Garner : It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

  Phil Wenneck : So does Joy Behar.

• Alan Garner : Hey, Phil, look.

  [laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating] 

  Alan Garner : He's jackin' his little weenis.

  Phil Wenneck : [laughs a little]  Pull yourself together, bro.

  Alan Garner : [stops the baby]  Not at the table, Carlos.

• Doug Billings : Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.

  Phil Wenneck : Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

• Phil Wenneck : [his answering machine message]  Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

• Alan Garner : You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

• Stu Price : Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.

  Phil Wenneck : He'll be fine. I cracked a window.

• Phil Wenneck : [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa]  What the hell is that?

  Stu Price : What's it look like?

  Phil Wenneck : If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!

  Doug Billings : She's not that bad.

  Phil Wenneck : Doug, she beats him!

  Stu Price : That was once, and I was out of line.

• Stu Price : Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?

  Phil Wenneck : Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

• Phil Wenneck : [on video surveillance]  Check it out. Stu! Stu, fuck this tiger!

  Mike Tyson : Aw, man! Who does shit like that, man?

  Phil Wenneck : Someone who has a lotta issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.

• Stu Price : [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds]  Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.

  Alan Garner : Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?

  Phil Wenneck : No, I'm not cool with that.

• Phil Wenneck : Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.

  Stu Price : Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

  Phil Wenneck : It's not our baby.

  Alan Garner : Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

• Phil Wenneck : [leaving the school at which he teaches]  Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.

• Phil Wenneck : Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!

• Stu Price : We don't want to call attention to ourselves!

  Phil Wenneck : [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker]  Attention! Attention!

• Stu Price : [about the cops after releasing them early]  Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!

  [calmly] 

  Stu Price : I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?

  Phil Wenneck : No.

• Stu Price : This does not seem fair.

  Phil Wenneck : It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.

• Alan Garner : There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

  [Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] 

  Phil Wenneck : Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

• Phil Wenneck : What the fuck happened last night?

  Stu Price : Hey Phil, am I missing a tooth?

  Phil Wenneck : I can't-

  [laughs] 

  Stu Price : Oh my god! My lateral incisors, it's gone!

• Alan Garner : Hey what's that on your arm?

  Stu Price : Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah, I guess I was.

  Alan Garner : Are you okay?

• Mr. Chow : I want my purse back, assholes.

  Phil Wenneck : What, your purse?

  Alan Garner : That's not a purse. That's a satchel!

  Mr. Chow : It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!

• Phil Wenneck : Who was that guy? He was so mean!

• Phil Wenneck : [drunk]  Fuck this tiger!

• Doug Billings : All good with Melissa?

  Stu Price : Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.

  Phil Wenneck : Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?

  Stu Price : Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

  Phil Wenneck : Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

  Stu Price : Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.

  Phil Wenneck : And you believe that?

  Stu Price : Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

• Stu Price : I'll tell you another thing - 6 to 1 odds our car is beat to shit.

  Phil Wenneck : Come on Stu.

  Stu Price : No seriously how much you want to bet it's fucked up beyond all recognition?