How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)
How I Met Everyone Else (2007)
Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby
Photos
Quotes
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Barney : There's no way she's above the line on the 'hot/crazy' scale.
Ted : She's not even on the 'hot/crazy' scale; she's just hot.
Robin Scherbatsky : Wait, 'hot/crazy' scale?
Barney : Let me illustrate!
[draws diagram]
Barney : A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the 'Vickie Mendoza Diagonal'. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.
[pauses]
Barney : I should give her a call.
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Barney Stinson : Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.
Barney Stinson : Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted Mosby : [Flashback] Hi.
Barney Stinson : Lesson one: lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted Mosby : I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney Stinson : Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A.
[gestures at himself]
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Narrator : Kids, in the fall of 2007 I went out with this girl. Her name was... God, I forget. It was twenty-five years ago, I can't be expected to remember everything. Anyway, it's not important, so for the purpose of this story we'll call her...
Ted Mosby : Everyone, this is Blah Blah.
Blah Blah : Please, just call me Blah.
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Lily Aldrin : Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall Eriksen : Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.
Ted Mosby : And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?
Marshall Eriksen : Yeah, unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Ted Mosby : Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily Aldrin : And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney Stinson : Worst superheroes ever.
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Ted Mosby : [When Blah Blah freak out about him being friends with "single, pretty" Robin] You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall! How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it. Right now. It was the first day of college...
[Cut to flashback]
Narrator : Kids, to understand this story you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was... uh, let's say "eating a sandwich"
Phil : Dude! I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich!
[Marshall frantically ties to do this, as Ted walks in]
Ted Mosby : Hey
Marshall Eriksen : Good afternoon. Sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen.
[Extends hand]
Ted Mosby : Sir? Please, just call me Ted
Narrator : Okay. Dean Ted.
Ted Mosby : [Smells the air] Whoa... someone's been eating a sandwich!
Marshall Eriksen : [Freaks out] What? No. Really? I don't know, cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school!
Ted Mosby : [Looks confused] Okay...
[Looks at the bed]
Ted Mosby : So, you're bottom bunk. that's cool, I wanted the top bunk anyway.
Marshall Eriksen : What do you mean?
Ted Mosby : I'm your new roommate!
Marshall Eriksen : This is so unfair!
Marshall Eriksen : [Cut back to the present] I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night...
[Show Ted also "eating a sandwich"]
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Lily Aldrin : Ted, what's going on?
Ted Mosby : [Points to Blah Blah] She knows about us. How we really met.
Lily Aldrin : Yeah, I know, I just told her.
Ted Mosby : No, the *real* story
Lily Aldrin : Ted, what are you talking about?
Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.
Lily Aldrin : C'mon what?
Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.
Lily Aldrin : [Getting annoyed] Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.
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Barney Stinson : [Flashback of the first time Ted and Barney met] Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.
Ted Mosby : Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Barney Stinson : No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to.
[Starts crying]
Barney Stinson : He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.
Ted Mosby : Oh man, I'm really sorry.
Barney Stinson : Wow, you bought that?
Ted Mosby : What?
Barney Stinson : I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar.