- Barney Stinson: Think of me as Yoda. Only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.
- Blah Blah: Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
- Robin Scherbatsky: No.
- [laughs]
- Robin Scherbatsky: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, Barney and I are not together. No. No.
- Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?
- Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the 'hot/crazy' scale.
- Ted: She's not even on the 'hot/crazy' scale; she's just hot.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Wait, 'hot/crazy' scale?
- Barney: Let me illustrate!
- [draws diagram]
- Barney: A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the 'Vickie Mendoza Diagonal'. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.
- [pauses]
- Barney: I should give her a call.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.
- Barney Stinson: Barney, we met at the urinal.
- Ted Mosby: [Flashback] Hi.
- Barney Stinson: Lesson one: lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
- Ted Mosby: I'm not wearing a suit.
- Barney Stinson: Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A.
- [gestures at himself]
- Narrator: Kids, in the fall of 2007 I went out with this girl. Her name was... God, I forget. It was twenty-five years ago, I can't be expected to remember everything. Anyway, it's not important, so for the purpose of this story we'll call her...
- Ted Mosby: Everyone, this is Blah Blah.
- Blah Blah: Please, just call me Blah.
- Barney Stinson: Let's see how Blah Blah's doing on the hot/crazy scale. She started the night here, but as the night progressed, she has gotten crazier, but she hasn't gotten any hotter, and she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal and getting dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained twenty pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.
- Lily Aldrin: Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?
- Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.
- Ted Mosby: And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?
- Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
- Ted Mosby: Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.
- Lily Aldrin: And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
- Barney Stinson: Worst superheroes ever.
- Ted Mosby: [When Blah Blah freak out about him being friends with "single, pretty" Robin] You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall! How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it. Right now. It was the first day of college...
- [Cut to flashback]
- Narrator: Kids, to understand this story you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was... uh, let's say "eating a sandwich"
- Phil: Dude! I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich!
- [Marshall frantically ties to do this, as Ted walks in]
- Ted Mosby: Hey
- Marshall Eriksen: Good afternoon. Sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen.
- [Extends hand]
- Ted Mosby: Sir? Please, just call me Ted
- Narrator: Okay. Dean Ted.
- Ted Mosby: [Smells the air] Whoa... someone's been eating a sandwich!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Freaks out] What? No. Really? I don't know, cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school!
- Ted Mosby: [Looks confused] Okay...
- [Looks at the bed]
- Ted Mosby: So, you're bottom bunk. that's cool, I wanted the top bunk anyway.
- Marshall Eriksen: What do you mean?
- Ted Mosby: I'm your new roommate!
- Marshall Eriksen: This is so unfair!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Cut back to the present] I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night...
- [Show Ted also "eating a sandwich"]
- Lily Aldrin: Ted, what's going on?
- Ted Mosby: [Points to Blah Blah] She knows about us. How we really met.
- Lily Aldrin: Yeah, I know, I just told her.
- Ted Mosby: No, the *real* story
- Lily Aldrin: Ted, what are you talking about?
- Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.
- Lily Aldrin: C'mon what?
- Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.
- Lily Aldrin: [Getting annoyed] Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
- Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.
- Barney Stinson: [Flashback of the first time Ted and Barney met] Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.
- Ted Mosby: Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- Barney Stinson: No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to.
- [Starts crying]
- Barney Stinson: He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.
- Ted Mosby: Oh man, I'm really sorry.
- Barney Stinson: Wow, you bought that?
- Ted Mosby: What?
- Barney Stinson: I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar.
- Barney: Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro-I'm Broda!