NCIS (TV Series)
Designated Target (2007)
Michael Weatherly: Anthony DiNozzo
Quotes
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : I'm surprised you could understand him, Ziva. He spoke perfect English.
Officer Ziva David : You're xenophobic!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : I am not Xena-phobic! It's one of my favorite shows: leather skirts, lesbian sword fighting, female empowerment. Maybe I'm a little... Ziva-phobic.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [smacked in the head yet again by Gibbs] You know, repeated trauma to the head can cause brain damage.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Explains a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Is this side of my head bigger?
Officer Ziva David : Yes, but so is the other side.
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Officer Ziva David : Do you see what I see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : How long have you been in this country?
Officer Ziva David : Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, you've never heard of gypsy cabs, you don't use contractions. Assimilate already.
Officer Ziva David : [confused] What are contraptions?
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Officer Ziva David : [On phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course and... well, you, you must accept that...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Personal call, David?
Officer Ziva David : Yes. Go away.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Somebody being dumped?
Officer Ziva David : [Covers mouthpiece] How do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Easy.
[Takes phone]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Listen, Dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now. I can find your address. If you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head. Lose this number or lose your life.
[Hangs up]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : You're welcome.
Officer Ziva David : That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her 86-year-old mahjong partner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Why didn't you stop me?
Officer Ziva David : Too stunned.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Where do I send flowers?
Officer Ziva David : If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : [as McGee is explaining what he's doing on the computer] Less narration, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Tracing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [to Ziva, as McGee's fingers continue to fly on the computer keyboard] Look at that. It's incredible. Probie's lips are still moving - while he's working! It's like one of those Romanian orphans who can't stop rocking.
Officer Ziva David : You are so prejudiced.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : I am not. I'm not! By the way, that's a contraction. *I'm.* You should try it sometime.
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Abby Sciuto : My meter is running full blast, Gibbs
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : Relax Abs, I think you just solved the case.
Abby Sciuto : I did?
[as she turns to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : [Gibbs walks into squad room] Meters?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : -a form of measurement used extensively in Europe.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : Taxi meters, DiNozzo
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Take my money, take my money, take my money. Give me my candy.
[Hits vending machine when it rejects the wrinkled note]
Officer Ziva David : You cannot buck the system, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Trade bucks with me?
[Ziva hands over a stack of coins in exchange for the wrinkled note]
Officer Ziva David : If you stop forcing things, they will come to you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Officer Ziva David : Why don't you like immigrants?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : What? My great-grandparents came through Ellis Island. Not the first class lounge at El Al.
Officer Ziva David : I came here in the jump seat of a C-130 with turbulence.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Whatever. My point is, you're here on a weekend fun pass. I'm the immigrant. My family came here with nothing. Just loads of charm, talent and great looks. My great-grandfather drove a truck for $2 a day. Took him 20 years to start his own transportation company. And now their great-grandson is an NCIS agent. So don't tell me about the immigrant experience. Until you are one.
Officer Ziva David : Any of that true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Parts.
[Takes a bite of the candy bar, then shows her his teeth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Is this stuck in my teeth.
Officer Ziva David : Nothing sticks to you.
[Uses the wrinkled note and it works]
Officer Ziva David : Do you ever think about soul mates?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : They were on Decca, right? Big hit mid-'70s. Sort of a disco thing. Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Officer Ziva David : You'll never get it.
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[McGee enters the squad room wearing his sunglasses]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Wait a second. I recognize that look. You had sex, and I'm guessing it was with a girl.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : No, it wasn't a girl?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : No, it's none of your business.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : If the probie was probing last night, I demand details.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : [takes off his sunglasses] Actually, it was this morning. And it wasn't sex, it was coffee. And it was *good*.
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Chuck Bayliss : Look, all I know is that the guy worked his ass off, okay? He never invited me to his house, so I don't know where he lives. I just can't help you out.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Listen, dude, every dispatcher knows every driver and everything about them. So...
[He grabs Bayliss's microphone and switches it on]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [over speaker] I could have the Taxi Commission come down here and talk to you guys, 'cause I know they'd like to meet *each* and *every* one of you, and...
[several drivers look up, alarmed]
Chuck Bayliss : Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, look, okay! The Burundi drivers, they hang out at a little cafe on 18th Street, Northwest.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [hands the microphone back] Little tip: lime juice. It cuts that just-barfed-on, backseat smell.
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[about the patrons of the Burundi cafe]
Delphin Abaka : You must forgive them. Where they come from, agents of the government seldom bring good news.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Well, we have questions.
Delphin Abaka : Even worse.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : What's his real name?
Delphin Abaka : I don't know. We keep secrets, because secrets keep us alive.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : We don't put people in jail for cooperating, but we do put them in jail for not cooperating.
Officer Ziva David : Tony...
Delphin Abaka : [scoffs] I have been tortured in prison. I am not afraid of your legal system.
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : Dinozzo, put them up.
[Their findings on the plasma screen]
Officer Ziva David : All three were shot with a nine-millimeter. And all three autopsies showed a tooth missing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : [to Dinozzo] Enlarge the photos.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [Types furiously] Ah.
[Groaning]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Ah.
[Screen glitches]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : Oh. Come on. Tell me you didn't just lose all that information.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [Whispers] McGee!
[McGee walks over to Dinozzo's computer]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : I hit the space bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : Love is not treating you well, my friend.
Special Agent Timothy McGee : Yeah, no kidding.
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs : Those real?
[Looking at Taxi ID's in a lock box]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : No. Fakes. But they're really good fakes. Guy's a regular cab coyote.
Officer Ziva David : Is that like a wolf in sheep's clothing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee : A coyote is a person who exploits people that come to this country illegally.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo : [to Ziva] As opposed to outsourcing, which is what you are.