I Love You, Man (2009)

Jason Segel: Sydney Fife

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sydney Fife : You get home safe, Pistol.

  Peter Klaven : You got it, Joben.

  Sydney Fife : I'm sorry, what?

  Peter Klaven : Er... nothing.

  Sydney Fife : No, what did you say?

  Peter Klaven : Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.

• Peter Klaven : I love you, man.

  Sydney Fife : I love you, too, bud.

  Peter Klaven : I love you, dude.

  Sydney Fife : I love you, Bro Montana.

  Peter Klaven : I love you, holmes.

  Sydney Fife : I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

  Peter Klaven : I love you, muchacha.

  Sydney Fife : I love you, Tycho Brohe.

• Doug : I just wish I could take back that kiss...

  Sydney Fife : Woah!

  [Looks at Peter] 

  Doug : ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.

  Peter Klaven : It wasn't the taste of betrayal!

  Doug : It was the taste of betrayal.

  Peter Klaven : It wasn't the ta...

  Doug : It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!

  [Storms off] 

  Peter Klaven : [to Sydney]  I can actually explain that.

  Sydney Fife : I would love to hear that!

• Sydney Fife : Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.

  Peter Klaven : Blaaah!

  Sydney Fife : Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.

• Sydney Fife : [on phone]  Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?

  Peter Klaven : Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.

  Sydney Fife : That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?

  Peter Klaven : No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

  Sydney Fife : [laughing]  Alright I'll see you then, buddy.

  Peter Klaven : Alright. Laters on the menjay.

  [Hangs up] 

  Peter Klaven : What did I just say?

• Open House Couple : [after trying to discreetly fart at an open house]  I like it, but I'm not sure about the space... I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.

  Sydney Fife : [Knowing he farted]  Totally, and it smells like fart.

• Peter Klaven : She was very nice looking.

  Sydney Fife : Yeah, I fucked her.

• Peter Klaven : Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?

  Sydney Fife : You mean "Chocolate"?

  Peter Klaven : Chocolat.

  Sydney Fife : Chocolate with Johnny Depp.

  Peter Klaven : Chocolat.

  Sydney Fife : You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".

  Peter Klaven : Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.

  Sydney Fife : That was your favorite night?

  Peter Klaven : Yes.

  Sydney Fife : Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.

  Peter Klaven : With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!

  Sydney Fife : [Quietly]  You should be embarrassed.

• Peter Klaven : I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.

  Sydney Fife : Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.

  Peter Klaven : He does seem to be clenching.

  Sydney Fife : Watch the leg... Boom!

  Peter Klaven : He farted in my open house.

  Sydney Fife : He sure did.

• Peter Klaven : Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.

  Sydney Fife : You make a valid point.

• Sydney Fife : Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah?

  [winks] 

  Sydney Fife : Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

• Sydney Fife : [Nonchalantly]  This is where I jerk off.

• Sydney Fife : I still wanna hang out. Despite that joke. You're better than that.

• [repeated line] 

  Sydney Fife : Oh, that was my mother's name...

• Peter Klaven : So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.

  Sydney Fife : Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.

• Peter Klaven : I think we should spend some time apart.

  Sydney Fife : Okay.

  Peter Klaven : So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.

  Sydney Fife : Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.

  Peter Klaven : And if you could have those billboards taken down...

  Sydney Fife : Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.

  Peter Klaven : Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVDs. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet. It's no...

  Sydney Fife : [Grabs DVD box]  It's fine, Pete. They're right here.

  [Throws DVD box] 

  Peter Klaven : [Catches]  Thanks.

  Peter Klaven : Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.

  Sydney Fife : Yep.

  Sydney Fife : [Shakes hand]  I wish you the very best of luck, Peter.

  Peter Klaven : You too, Sydney.

  Peter Klaven : [to Anwar]  Bye, Anwar.

  Anwar Sadat : [Snarls] 

• Sydney Fife : This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake.

• Sydney Fife : [about guest that has just farted]  Look at him, crop dusting across your open house.

• Sydney Fife : Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?

  Peter Klaven : What's wrong with that?

  Sydney Fife : Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!

• Peter Klaven : Rush! I love Rush!

  Sydney Fife : Dude! Rush is greatest rock band of all time!

• Sydney Fife : [referring to the condoms at his jerk-off station]  I always get this reaction, but the truth is they decrease sensitivity so I can last longer.

• Peter Klaven : Do you need a plastic bag, or...

  Sydney Fife : Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.

• Sydney Fife : [Imitating Andre the Giant]  Anybody want a peanut?

• Sydney Fife : That open house was understated, it was classy, elegant. I've been to a million of those things, and nobody, *nobody* put out Rosemary Flatbread Paninis. Hold on, my dog needs to shit...

• Sydney Fife : [Extended Scene]  And for the record, I saw Chocolat. Just delightful.

  Peter Klaven : It is, right?

  Sydney Fife : Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.

  Peter Klaven : He's the best, he's the best.

  Sydney Fife : From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.

  Peter Klaven : Depp wins you over.

  Sydney Fife : I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.

  Peter Klaven : You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.

  Sydney Fife : You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.

  Peter Klaven : You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.

  Sydney Fife : Brasco, my God.

  Peter Klaven : I like Ed Wood, too.

  Sydney Fife : That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.

  [Zooey yawns] 

  Peter Klaven : So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.

  Sydney Fife : Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.

  Peter Klaven : Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.

  Sydney Fife : Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?

  Peter Klaven : No, that's Stanley Tucci.

  Sydney Fife : He's great. He's an actor's actor.

  [Barry sneaks out to take a call] 

  Peter Klaven : Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.

  Sydney Fife : Yeah.

  Peter Klaven : Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.

  Sydney Fife : Same old Pete.

• Sydney Fife : Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.

• Sydney Fife : This is my nightmare!

• Sydney Fife : Peter, I am a man. I have an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins.

• Peter Klaven : [Sydney falls backwards off the couch]  Sydney, you all right?

  Sydney Fife : My fuckin' ass!

• [Last lines] 

  Sydney Fife : I'd just like to make a quick toast.

  Peter Klaven : [Grabs Sydney's mic]  No!