House M.D. (TV Series)

It's a Wonderful Lie (2008)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.

• Dr. Gregory House : Lies are like children: they're hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

• Dr. Lawrence Kutner : [referring to a wrapped box on House's desk]  Who's that from?

  Dr. Gregory House : Santa, obviously, 'cause you know I worship him. No wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused.

• Dr. Gregory House : The notion of picking one time of the year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.

• [House hands Wilson back his iPhone] 

  Dr. James Wilson : I've been looking for this all morning.

  Dr. Gregory House : Did you look in the box on my desk?

• [Melanie is a prostitute] 

  Melanie : No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB gun.

• Dr. Gregory House : Who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?

• Dr. James Wilson : Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?

  Dr. Gregory House : I couldn't do that.

  Dr. James Wilson : But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.

• Dr. Gregory House : [when told that his patient doesn't lie]  This is going to be a tough case. I know almost nothing about alien physiology.

• Dr. Gregory House : I remembered I'm not a Satanist. I'm a druid.

• Dr. Gregory House : Figured I could sow some dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.

• Dr. Gregory House : You talk to your kid about sex so she'll think you're being open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don't wanna talk about.

• Dr. Gregory House : The problem with sleeping with strangers is they're strange.

• Dr. Gregory House : [in reference to reindeer antlers on Wilson's head]  Would you take off that hat?

  Dr. James Wilson : It's Christmas. It's a reindeer.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's a moose on a Jew.

• [House is dismissing Wilson's attribution that a Christmas miracle has occurred] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ. He's got enough nails in him.

• Dr. Gregory House : [House is returning Wilson's iPhone]  Oh, by the way, your mom called. Your dad's dead.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Thirteen]  You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting.

  Thirteen : You claim to want the truth and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.

• Jane : [to House]  I have to lie because she trusts me?

  Dr. Gregory House : If you show doubt, the placebo treatment won't work.

  Jane : If it's just depression, that's good news, right?

  Dr. Gregory House : [nods his head]  A lot of great medications.

  Jane : So why can't we just give her those? Why do we have to lie to her?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because we might be wrong. And those medications take a long time to work and since your mom's condition is declining, there's a chance the drugs won't tell us anything until it's too late.

  Jane : My mom's not depressed.

  Dr. Gregory House : Maybe she's hiding it from you.

  Jane : [shakes her head]  No. She wouldn't...

  Dr. Gregory House : Just doing what every good mom does. Protecting her child from bad news that she can't do anything about.

  Jane : My mom's never lied to me.

  Dr. Gregory House : You don't know how to lie. You don't know how to tell when you're being lied to.

  Jane : Maybe you're right...

  Dr. Gregory House : I know...

  Jane : I was lying. I know how to lie. I just won't do it to my mother.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Maggie]  A mother who's going to die doesn't refuse a donor test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it won't match which tends to happen when mother and daughter aren't mother and daughter. I could do DNA tests, if you'd rather keep lying to me.

  Maggie : I never wanted kids. I love them, but with my genes... I knew this woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didn't want to have an abortion, but she also didn't want her daughter to ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I promised never to tell.

  Dr. Gregory House : A promise to an addict is worth more than a promise to your daughter?

  Maggie : It'd be cruel to tell her.

  Dr. Gregory House : Right. She lives a lie, you get to die a hypocrite.

• Dr. Gregory House : It's child abuse.

  Dr. James Wilson : Honesty?

  Dr. Gregory House : There's a reason that everybody lies. It works. It what allows society to function, it's what separates man from beast.

  Dr. James Wilson : Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.

  Dr. Gregory House : You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?

  Dr. James Wilson : I'm sorry I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?

  Dr. Gregory House : Lies are a tool, they can be used either for good. No, wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work, but they're worth it, because the future depends on them.

  Dr. James Wilson : You are so full of love--or something.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You owe me fifty bucks.

  Dr. Gregory House : Then you owe me half a lap dance.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Jane]  You mom tell you about all the drugs she does?

  Jane : She smokes pot once in a while, but not in a long time.

  Dr. Gregory House : What about you?

  Jane : How would that make her sick?

  Dr. Gregory House : Are you a doctor?

  Jane : I'm eleven...

  Dr. Gregory House : That's not an answer. It's an evasion. Are you drinking? You ever sneak a drink?

  Jane : I don't do any of that stuff. It's bad for you.

  Dr. Gregory House : I understand why you don't want your mom to know, but I'm her doctor, so...

  Jane : And I would tell my mom, and I would tell you.

  Dr. Gregory House : Why?

  Jane : Because she would never lie to me.

  Dr. Gregory House : What's her favorite way to have sex?

  Jane : I don't get what sex has to do with breast cancer.

  Dr. Gregory House : Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Melanie]  You have strep.

  Melanie : Is it contagious?

  Dr. Gregory House : Only for the next 24 hours as long as you take the antibiotics.

  Melanie : How contagious?

  Dr. Gregory House : Take a personal day.

  Melanie : I can't.

  Dr. Gregory House : I'll write your pimp a note.

  Melanie : My pimp?

  Dr. Gregory House : You're tested for AIDS every three months and... your necklace.

  Melanie : Prostitutes wear religious symbols?

  Dr. Gregory House : I think they just like kneeling. You don't have the skin of a seaman, the fingers of an archer, the clothes of a merchant or the attitude of an ex-con. So, just leaves one left.

  Melanie : Mmm... Two actually.

  [gives House a flirtatious smile] 

  Melanie : But I'm not a child, am I?

• Maggie : I can't be dying.

  Dr. Gregory House : Sure you can.

  Maggie : You're wrong. You don't even know what I have.

  Dr. Gregory House : What you have, is one last Christmas with your daughter. One last chance to give her a present. The truth. Inexpensive, highly valued, never have to stand in line to return it the day after Christmas.

• Jane : [to House]  You just think we gotta be lying...

  Dr. Gregory House : [cuts Jane off]  White lies?

  Jane : What are those?

  Dr. Gregory House : Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.

  Jane : I don't lie.

  Dr. Gregory House : Rationalizations?

  Jane : What are those?

  Dr. Gregory House : Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.

  Jane : No, we don't...

  Dr. Gregory House : [cuts Jane off again]  Lies of omission? Saddle bronc or doggie? That's sex talk.

  Jane : She used to like being on top, but now she likes to be on her stomach. That way she doesn't have to see them looking at her scars.

• Dr. Gregory House : Kid says mom's a slut.

  Dr. Lawrence Kutner : She called her mom a slut?

  Dr. Gregory House : No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything with a pole and a pulse. Not that I'm judging here.