- Barney Stinson: I'm making you my new masterpiece. When I first met Ted, he was a bigger loser than you.
- Randy: What a loser.
- Barney Stinson: And that's why tonight, I will make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen.
- Randy: Well, it's gonna be easier than you think. I have been reading your blog for years. You are like a god to me. That is why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary.
- Barney Stinson: So you had a drink thrown in your face. Happens to me all the time. Pretty soon you will be able to anticipate it, and when you do... free drink.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Your nose is bleeding like a faucet.
- Randy: Oh, God! This happens every time I get an erection.
- Ted Mosby: I'm sorry, it's just that this is a big deal for you. It's like Virginity: The Sequel.
- Stella Zinman: Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
- Robin Scherbatsky: I don't see why you're mad at Barney and not at me.
- Lily Aldrin: Yeah. She had as much sex with Barney as he had with her.
- Robin Scherbatsky: You know what, I'm not sure that's true...
- Lily Aldrin: Wow, five years. If I had to go five years without sex, I'd be out in the streets selling it for a nickel.
- Marshall Eriksen: The last time Stella had sex, "The Da Vinci Code" was just coming out.
- Robin Scherbatsky: That doesn't seem so long ago.
- Marshall Eriksen: Not the movie. The book.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Wow!
- Ted Mosby: [On the phone] Dude, seriously you need to stop calling me.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, I'm sorry, I haven't returned your calls.
- Ted Mosby: Yeah I never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice.
- Barney Stinson: [nerdy Randy wants to be Barney's new "wing man"] No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is "Vice-President of Awesome", and you're like, Assistant Under-Secretary of Only Okay".
- Marshall Eriksen: You haven't had sex since Thanksgiving. Do you know how many federal holidays have passed since then?
- Lily Aldrin: Remember what we did on Martin Luther King Day?
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah. We honored the hell out of that dude.
- Barney Stinson: Randy, without looking at your hand, tell me the three beginner techniques for picking up women.
- Randy: Isolate her from her friends, repeat her name in conversation, and put her down.
- Barney Stinson: Excelent!
- Lily Aldrin: When Marshall and I had been together for two months, we were doing it 24/7.
- Ted Mosby: I know, I was in the top bunk. I also sat next to you guys at football games.
- Marshall Eriksen: Wow. Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. Let's just put this in context. The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into the theaters... and our hearts... The last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS.
- Marshall Eriksen: [On the Internet] Notable deaths in 2003... Oh my God... Nell Carter. Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died?
- Randy: What up Bro-seph Lieberman?
- Barney Stinson: No, uh-uh. Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate.
- Randy: [He takes out a memo pad] Goodbye "Geraldine Ferrar-bro".
- Marshall Eriksen: I miss Barney. I haven't high-fived anyone in like a week. I think I'm starting to lose my fist pump callus.