Doctor Who (TV Series)
The Unicorn and the Wasp (2008)
Fenella Woolgar: Agatha Christie
Photos
Quotes
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[the Doctor makes muffled noises while making a shaking motion]
Donna Noble : I can't understand you! How many words?
[the Doctor holds up one finger]
Donna Noble : One! One word! Shake, milk-shake, milk! Milk! No? Not milk! Um, shake, shake, shake! Cocktail shake! What, d'you want a Harvey Wallbanger?
The Doctor : Harvey Wallbanger?
Donna Noble : Well, I don't know!
The Doctor : How is Harvey Wallbanger one word?
Agatha Christie : What do you need Doctor?
The Doctor : Salt! I was miming salt! I need salt! I need something salty!
[Donna grabs a bag from the counter]
Donna Noble : What about this?
The Doctor : What is it?
Donna Noble : Salt!
The Doctor : That's too salty!
Donna Noble : Oh, that's too salty!
Agatha Christie : What about this?
[Agatha hands the Doctor a jar and he upends it, eating the food]
Donna Noble : What's that?
Agatha Christie : Anchovies.
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Donna Noble : [to the Doctor] What is it? What else?
[the Doctor jolts his hands out, miming a shock]
Donna Noble : Um, it's a song! 'Mammy'? Um, I don't know! 'Camptown Races'?
The Doctor : 'Camptown Races'?
Donna Noble : Well! All right, then! 'Towering Inferno'!
The Doctor : It's a shock! Look, shock!
[he mimes again]
The Doctor : I need a shock!
Donna Noble : Right, then. Big shock. Coming up.
[Donna grabs the Doctor and plants a full-frontal kiss on him. The Doctor staggers away, lifts his face up to the ceiling and releases a cloud of poisons from his body]
The Doctor : [gasps] Detox. Oh! I must do that more often.
[looks at Donna apprehensively]
The Doctor : I mean, the, the detox.
Agatha Christie : Doctor. You are... impossible!
[the Doctor winks]
Agatha Christie : Who are you?
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Agatha Christie : [referring to the Doctor] Detective, you missed a very big clue.
The Doctor : What? That bit of paper you nicked out of the fire?
Agatha Christie : You were looking the other way!
The Doctor : Yeah, but I saw your reflection in the glass of the bookcase.
Agatha Christie : [smiling] You crafty man!
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Donna Noble : Next thing you know, you're gonna be telling me it's like 'Murder on the Orient Express', and they all did it.
Agatha Christie : 'Murder on the Orient Express'?
Donna Noble : Oh, yeah. One of your best.
The Doctor : But not yet.
Agatha Christie : Marvelous idea, though.
Donna Noble : Yeah. Tell you what. Copyright: Donna Noble. Okay?
The Doctor : Anyway...
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The Doctor : Yeah, I remember... I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He had been kidnapped by an insane computer.
Agatha Christie : Charlemagne lived centuries ago!
The Doctor : I've got a very good memory.
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The Doctor : A giant wasp! Well, there are tons of emorphorous insectivorous lifeforms, but none in this galactic sector.
Agatha Christie : I think I understood some of those words... enough to know that you're completely potty!
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The Doctor : Turns out we are in the middle of a murder mystery. One of yours, Dame Agatha.
Agatha Christie : Dame?
The Doctor : Oh. Sorry, not yet.
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[the Doctor grabs the ginger beer from the shelf, drinks some of it, and pours the rest over his head]
Agatha Christie : I'm an expert in poisons! Doctor! There's no cure! It's fatal!
[the Doctor spits out the ginger beer]
The Doctor : Not for me! I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal! Protein! I need protein!
[the Doctor breathes heavily while Donna runs to the counter]
Donna Noble : Walnuts!
The Doctor : Brilliant!
[the Doctor upends the walnut jar and chews furiously]
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Agatha Christie : Can we return to sanity? There are no such things as giant wasps!
The Doctor : Exactly! So the question is: what's it doing here?
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Agatha Christie : [upon meeting one another] Agatha Christie.
Donna Noble : What about her?
Agatha Christie : That's me.
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The Doctor : No. Something's inhibiting my enzymes.
[convulses]
The Doctor : Gah! I've been poisoned!
Donna Noble : What do we do? What do we do?
Agatha Christie : [smells the Doctor's drink] Bitter almonds. It's cyanide! Sparkling cyanide!
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Donna Noble : Come on, Agatha! What would Miss Marple do? She'd have overheard something vital by now because the murderer thinks she'd just a harmless old lady.
Agatha Christie : Clever idea! Miss Marple... Who writes those?
Donna Noble : Um... Copyright Donna Noble, add it to the list.
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Donna Noble : D'you know what I think? Those books of yours, one day they could turn them into films. They could be talking pictures.
Agatha Christie : Talking pictures? Pictures that... talk? What do you mean?
Donna Noble : Oh. Blimey, I've done it again.
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Agatha Christie : You make a rather unusual couple.
The Doctor : [together] Oh, no no no no, we're not married.
Donna Noble : [together] Yeah, we're not a couple.
Agatha Christie : Well, obviously not. No wedding ring.
[Donna and the Doctor exchange admiring glances]
The Doctor : Oh, oh! You don't miss a trick.
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Donna Noble : There is a giant wasp!
The Doctor : What do you mean a giant wasp?
Donna Noble : I mean a wasp, that's giant!
Agatha Christie : It's only a silly little insect.
Donna Noble : When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flipping enormous! Look at its sting.
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Agatha Christie : Death comes as the end and justice is served.
The Doctor : 'Murder at the Vicar's Rage'.
[pause]
The Doctor : Needs a bit of work.
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Agatha Christie : The stories are true. I found my husband with another woman. A younger, prettier woman. Isn't it always the way?
Donna Noble : Well, mine was with a giant spider, but... same difference.
Agatha Christie : [laughs] You and the Doctor talk such wonderful nonsense!
