- Dean Winchester: Well, look at me. I mean, I came back from the furnace without any of my old scars, right? No bullet wounds, knife cuts, none of the off-angle fingers from all of the breaks - I mean, my hide is as smooth as a baby's bottom. Which leads me to conclude, sadly, that my virginity is intact.
- Sam Winchester: What?
- Dean Winchester: I've been re-hymenated.
- Sam Winchester: Re - Please. Dean, maybe angels can pull you out of hell, but no one could do that.
- Dean Winchester: Brother! I have been re-hymenated. And the dude will not abide!
- Dean Winchester: We still gotta see the new "Raiders" movie.
- Sam Winchester: I saw it.
- Dean Winchester: Without me?
- Sam Winchester: You were in hell.
- Dean Winchester: That's no excuse.
- [Sees a vendor selling soft pretzels]
- Dean Winchester: Big pretzel!
- [Hurries over to buy a couple. Sam smiles and shakes his head fondly]
- Dean Winchester: I, uh, pulled it off during the fight. Look at the label on the ribbon.
- Sam Winchester: It's a costume rental.
- Dean Winchester: All three monsters - the Dracula, Wolf Man, and the Mummy - all the same critter, which means we need to catch this freak before he "Creature from the Black Lagoon's" somebody.
- Jamie: So, you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something, and the X-Files are real?
- Dean Winchester: No, "The X-Files" is a TV show. This is real.
- Pizza Delivery Guy: Uh, pizza delivery?
- Dracula: Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.
- Pizza Delivery Guy: Uh-huh. That'll be $15.50.
- Dracula: Tell me...
- Pizza Delivery Guy: Yeah?
- Dracula: Is there garlic on this pizza?
- Pizza Delivery Guy: I don't know. Did you order garlic?
- Dracula: No!
- Pizza Delivery Guy: Then no. Look, mister, I've got four other deliveries to make. You want to just pay me the money so I can go?
- Dracula: Of course. Yes. But I have a coupon.
- Dean Winchester: C'mon Sammy. It's Octoberfest. Beer and bar wenches.
- Sam Winchester: Pretty sure women don't react well today to that bar wench thing.
- Dean Winchester: Hey, bar wench! How's that beer coming?
- Jamie: Coming up, good sir!
- Dean Winchester: [With a huge grin at Sam] Octoberfest!
- Sam Winchester: [smiling at Dean's outfit after releasing him from Dracula's electrocution table] Hey there, Hansel.
- Dean Winchester: Shut up!
- [Sam smirks at Dean. Dean points his finger at Sam]
- Jamie: So, this is what you do? You and your partner just tramp across the country on your own dime until you find some horrible nightmare to fight?
- Dean Winchester: Some people paint.
- Jamie: Wow.
- Dean Winchester: What?
- Jamie: That must suck. I mean, you're giving up your life for this terrible, I don't know... responsibility.
- Dean Winchester: [thoughtfully] Last few years, I started thinking that way. And uh... yeah, it started- started weighing on me. Of course, that was before...
- [long silence]
- Dean Winchester: A little while ago, I had this, let's call it a near death experience. Very near. And uh... when I came to... things were different. My life's been... different. I realize that I help people. You know... not just help them though. I save them.
- [shrugs self consciously]
- Dean Winchester: And I gotta say it's, it's awesome. It's, it's kinda like a gift.
- [softly, seriously]
- Dean Winchester: Like a mission. Kinda like a... mission from God.
- Dean Winchester: It feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it? Hero gets the girl; monster gets the gank. A happy ending.
- [smirking]
- Dean Winchester: Complete with happy ending.
- Sam Winchester: Classy, Dean.
- Dracula: [referring to portrait of woman] She is beautiful, no? Bride number three from the first film. She never got the acclaim that she deserved. Which is why I chose her shape, her form to move among the mortals unnoticed, to listen to the cricket songs of the living. That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn in this century.
- Dean Winchester: [chuckles] I can't get over what a pumpkin-pie-eyed, crazy son of a bitch you really are. You're not Dracula. You get that right? Or even if you think you are Dracula, what the hell's up with the Mummy?
- Dracula: [punches Dean in his face] I am *all* monsters!
- Dean Winchester: Life ain't a movie you sorry sack of...
- Dracula: [again punches Dean] Life is small, meager, messy. The movies are grand, simple, elegant. I have chosen elegance.
- Dean Winchester: You think "elegance" is really the word for what you did to Marissa or Rick Deacon? Or any of the others?
- Dracula: But of course. It is a monster movie, after all.
- Dean Winchester: You do realize what happens at the end of *every* monster movie?
- Dracula: Ah. But this movie is *mine*. And in it, the monster wins. The monster gets the girl. And the hero, he's... electrocuted.
- [reaches for pulley switch]
- Dracula: And tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero.
- Jamie: Thank you, G man. You've been a great service to our country.
- Dean Winchester: Oh yes, I'm very patriotic.
- Dean Winchester: [after laughing] I can't get over what a pumpkin pie eyed crazy son of a bitch you really are. You're not Dracula! You get that, right? Even if you think you *are* Dracula, what the Hell is up with the Mummy?
- Sam Winchester: We're looking for Ed Brewer.
- Jamie: What do you want with Ed?
- Dean Winchester: Well, we are uh... federal agents.
- [They pull out and show her their IDs]
- Dean Winchester: Mr. Brewer was witness to a serious crime. We just need to...
- Jamie: Wait a minute.
- [to Dean, surprised]
- Jamie: You're a Fed? Wow, you don't come on like a Fed.
- [smiling]
- Jamie: Seriously?
- Dean Winchester: [Moving closer, suggestively] I'm a maverick, really. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don't play by? The rules.
- [He winks at her]
- Dean Winchester: Dammit! Jamie. I'm late. You good with the mummy and the
- [waves hands in the air]
- Dean Winchester: Crazy?
- Sam Winchester: Yeah.
- Dean Winchester: it would be nice if life were like the movies - simple. although if i was turning life into a movie, i wouldn't do this Abbott & Costello Meet the Monster crap.
- Sam Winchester: Yeah. no, i know what you'd pick.
- Dean Winchester: No you don't.
- Sam Winchester: Yeah, I do.
- Dean Winchester: No, you don't. You don't.
- Sam Winchester: Porky's II.
- Dean Winchester: What?
- Sam Winchester: You heard me.
- Dean Winchester: ...Lucky guess.