That's My Boy (2012)

Andy Samberg: Todd

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Todd : [after Jamie whispers in his ear]  What? Agh! You fuck your brother?

  [the crowd uproars] 

  Father Shakalu : Fucking white people.

• Masseuse : [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel]  What's this, sir?

  Donny : Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.

  Masseuse : Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.

  Donny : Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.

  Masseuse : It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...

  Donny : How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

  Todd : Donny! This isn't a brothel.

• Todd : You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk!

  Donny : It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home!

  Todd : I was eight!

• Donny : Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

  Todd : The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.

• [from trailer] 

  Donny : What'd I do to his back?

  Todd : Let me jog your memory...

  [shows a tattoo on his back] 

  Donny : [laughs]  The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!

  Todd : That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!

• Todd : [after punching Chad]  At ease, bitch!

• Chad : So Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?

  Todd : Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

  Chad : [seething]  You think you're better than me?

• [from trailer] 

  Donny : I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

  [gives him a gift] 

  Todd : You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear.

  Donny : Yeah...

  [Donny jams the earring on his son's ear] 

  Todd : [his face smeared with blood]  Am I bleeding?

  Donny : I don't think so.

• Donny : Do you have any AXE body spray?

  Todd : No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a fucking douchebag.

  Donny : That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?

• Todd : [Talking to the priest after being reprimanded, almost whispering]  You know I, can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your shit breath.

• Phil : I would have loved to bang my freshman geometry teacher, Mrs. Weiss. I think she would have too, but I was too afraid to ask.

  Steve Spirou : I would have killed to have sex with my 8th grade biology teacher Mrs. Cohn.

  Gerald : I once stole my middle school librarian's glasses to wear while I masturbated. What's up with that?

  Grandma Delores : In my day, when you got in trouble, the headmaster slapped your hand with his dick.

  Todd : She wins.