Greg Lee: Self - Host

Quotes 

• The Chief : Alright, gumshoes. The Contessa headed for the Schatzkammer. That's the treasure chamber. It's where the crown of the Holy Roman Empire is held. Now, it's in a European capitol, and it's a city that, uh, I, your chief, am very fond of.

  [smiles nostalgically] 

  The Chief : I have memories of sitting in a Konditorei- that's a pastry shop- and listening to Strauss music, a waltz, and digging into a delicious chocolate cake called a sachertorte. Greg.

  Self - Host : Chief, that was very touching. Thank you very much.

• Self - Host : Alright. Now I want you guys to know this is a pretty tough case. So, you're gonna have to really keep everything on, keep your timing together...

  Mrs. Pumpkin-Klanger : Will you stop this incessant whining about a tough case?

  Self - Host : Oh no. That could only be one person. That's our upstair neighbor, Mrs., uh, Pumpkin-Klanger.

  [goes out into the lobby] 

  Mrs. Pumpkin-Klanger : You call yourselves detectives, don't you? You'd best be off to the third largest port in Europe. It's in the Dutch-speaking half of a bi-lingual country. And it's an international center for cutting and trading diamonds. Now get on with it before I call the authorities.

  [goes inside and slams the window shut] 

  Self - Host : Don't you just love your neighbors?

• Self - Host : [coming into the chief's office to find her packing a suitcase]  Chief, what are you doing?

  Self - Host : Ah, Greg, it's been nice working with you.

  [shakes his hand] 

  Self - Host : What... what is this?

  Self - Host : Well, I think it's time for me to move on. I've been doing this a long time. I think it's time for me to get out there, get some fresh air, and see new sights.

  Self - Host : See what? What are you talking about?

  The Chief : Well, I thought I'd do some yam farming.

  [sure enough, her suitcase is full of yams] 

  The Chief : No, no, I have a cousin, Essie. She's got some land out in the country. I thought maybe I'd travel around and see the land.

  Self - Host : Chief, you don't know anything about yam farming. You know nothing about that. Besides, what would the gumshoes do without you? We need you here. Right, guys?

  [the gumshoes and audience all answer in the affirmative] 

  Self - Host : See? Huh?

  The Chief : [touched]  Well, since you put it that way, I'll stay.

  Self - Host : Okay. Alright then. Let's get this stuff unpacked.

  The Chief : Oh, but wait. Wait. I bought those tickets. I have a ticket for anywhere in the lower forty-eight states. What am I going to do with it?

  Self - Host : Okay, wait. I've got an idea. We'll give the gumshoe who catches Carmen Sandiego those tickets. Huh?

  The Chief : Now, that's a good idea.

  [Greg starts rearranging the yams in the suitcase] 

  Self - Host : Just let me help you.

  The Chief : No, Greg...

  Self - Host : It's wonderful that you're staying. You're such an intrical part...

  The Chief : Greg! Go away.

  Self - Host : Yes, ma'am.

  [exits the office and sighs with relief] 

  Self - Host : I'm so glad she's staying.

• Self - Host : Now, we've sent agents to Herkimer to try to track...

  The Voice From On High : DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME!

  [Greg looks up to see the familiar left hand pointing down at him] 

  The Voice From On High : SHE'S ALREADY GONE. YOU'VE BUNDLED IT AGAIN! GO TO A STATE FULL OF GLACIERS INSTEAD.

  Self - Host : Wait a minute. Glaciers?

  The Voice From On High : YES, GLACIERS! MORE GLACIERS THAN ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE U.S. THE INUITS DO A LOT OF ICE FISHING THERE.

  Self - Host : Wait a minute. The Inuits? Who are they?

  The Voice From On High : DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING? THEY'RE THE NATIVE PEOPLE OF THIS REGION.

  Self - Host : Well, why did Contessa go there?

  The Voice From On High : WHAT IS THIS? A QUIZ? IT'S A LEADING PRODUCER OF PLATINUM. NOW, CATCH HER, OR I'LL RAIN LOCUSTS UPON YOU!

  Self - Host : Ooh, locusts. Okay, will do.