Greg Lee: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Self - Host : [looking over a fax from Carmen Sandiego]  You know, it just... kind of says what it says.

  The Chief : Well, it's got to be something. Read it.

  Self - Host : Okay. Uh,

  [starts to read] 

  Self - Host : "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your glumshoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to Acme Slime-Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego." And then it goes on from there.

  The Chief : What else does it say?

  Self - Host : It says, uh, "P.S. Nanny Nanny Poo Poo."

  The Chief : Nanny Nanny Poo Poo?

  Self - Host : Yeah, I'm sorry, it's right there.

  The Chief : Nanny Nanny Poo Poo. That does it. Detectives, the gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower forty-eight states.

  [applause] 

  The Chief : I have had it!

  Self - Host : You know, Chief, I tell you, I would never call you a chump. I mean, you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically...

  The Chief : Go away.

  Self - Host : Chump- uh, check!

  [he quickly exits, leaving the chief looking shocked] 

• Self - Host : [Hearing a strangely slow knock on the door]  I wonder who would knock that slow. Let's go check on this.

  [opens the door, but doesn't see anyone there] 

  Self - Host : Yeah? Ya-ha? Yes?

  [then he looks down and sees a tortoise] 

  Self - Host : Oh. Hello. Look at this. Look who's here, huh?

  [picks the tortoise up and carries him to the monitor] 

  Self - Host : Hey, Chief, uh, you speak a little turtle, don't you? You want to translate for us?

  The Chief : Uh, well actually, it's a tortoise, and yes, I do speak tortoise. Hold him a little closer.

  [Greg does, and some indistinct grunting is heard] 

  The Chief : Oh, he says his name is Rex.

  [more grunting] 

  The Chief : Oh yes. And he saw Top Grunge. Top Grunce hauled the tar pits off the coast of Spain to the Balearic Islands. And Grunge is getting perilously close to the Spanish royal family's palace in Palma.

  [still more grunts] 

  The Chief : Oh, well thank you, Rex, and cowabunga to you too, Dude.

  Self - Host : Great. Okay, thanks, Chief. Thanks, Rex.

  [puts him down] 

  Self - Host : See you later, Dude. Take it slow, Bub.

• Self - Host : Unfortunately, it looks like we've lost Top Grunge again.

  The Voice From On High : GREG, IN MY OFFICE NOW!

  Self - Host : Oh yeah. Okay. Be right with you.

  [brings a chair toward the voice and stands on it] 

  The Voice From On High : THAT'S BETTER.

  Self - Host : Thank you.

  The Voice From On High : I KNOW WHERE HE WENT!

  [a left hand reaches down and start manhandling Greg's face] 

  Self - Host : How come you're always doing that to me?

  The Voice From On High : BECAUSE I CAN. LIKE I SAID, I KNOW WHERE HE WENT.

  Self - Host : How do you know that?

  The Voice From On High : HE STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN, THAT'S HOW! IN FACT, A COLONY OF PENGUINS JUST OUTSIDE OF PUNTA ARENAS ARE CATCHING A WHIFF OF HIM RIGHT NOW. SO HEAD FOR THE STRAITS OF MAGELLAN AND CHORALE THE CREEP!

  Self - Host : Okay, thanks a lot. Uh, you know, by the way, do you know who's going to win the Super Bowl this year?

  The Voice From On High : JUST DO YOU JOB!

  Self - Host : Okay. Sorry. Thanks a lot.

  The Voice From On High : OH, AND GREG.

  Self - Host : Yeah.

  The Voice From On High : GO AWAY.