Lynne Thigpen: The Chief

Quotes 

• The Chief : Top Grunge: only his stench is more foul than his deeds.

• The Chief : [reading a fax from Governor Bruce Sundlun]  "Top Grunge nearly ran me down on Block Island. He wants to pave my state and turn it into a parking lot for Massachusetts and Connecticut. I told him to take a hike and a bath." That's good advice, Governor.

• Self - Host : [looking over a fax from Carmen Sandiego]  You know, it just... kind of says what it says.

  The Chief : Well, it's got to be something. Read it.

  Self - Host : Okay. Uh,

  [starts to read] 

  Self - Host : "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your glumshoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to Acme Slime-Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego." And then it goes on from there.

  The Chief : What else does it say?

  Self - Host : It says, uh, "P.S. Nanny Nanny Poo Poo."

  The Chief : Nanny Nanny Poo Poo?

  Self - Host : Yeah, I'm sorry, it's right there.

  The Chief : Nanny Nanny Poo Poo. That does it. Detectives, the gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower forty-eight states.

  [applause] 

  The Chief : I have had it!

  Self - Host : You know, Chief, I tell you, I would never call you a chump. I mean, you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically...

  The Chief : Go away.

  Self - Host : Chump- uh, check!

  [he quickly exits, leaving the chief looking shocked] 

• Self - Host : [Hearing a strangely slow knock on the door]  I wonder who would knock that slow. Let's go check on this.

  [opens the door, but doesn't see anyone there] 

  Self - Host : Yeah? Ya-ha? Yes?

  [then he looks down and sees a tortoise] 

  Self - Host : Oh. Hello. Look at this. Look who's here, huh?

  [picks the tortoise up and carries him to the monitor] 

  Self - Host : Hey, Chief, uh, you speak a little turtle, don't you? You want to translate for us?

  The Chief : Uh, well actually, it's a tortoise, and yes, I do speak tortoise. Hold him a little closer.

  [Greg does, and some indistinct grunting is heard] 

  The Chief : Oh, he says his name is Rex.

  [more grunting] 

  The Chief : Oh yes. And he saw Top Grunge. Top Grunce hauled the tar pits off the coast of Spain to the Balearic Islands. And Grunge is getting perilously close to the Spanish royal family's palace in Palma.

  [still more grunts] 

  The Chief : Oh, well thank you, Rex, and cowabunga to you too, Dude.

  Self - Host : Great. Okay, thanks, Chief. Thanks, Rex.

  [puts him down] 

  Self - Host : See you later, Dude. Take it slow, Bub.

• The Chief : [during the slide show about Chile]  Atacama Desert: dryest desert in the world. There are areas where it's never been known to rain. Fits in perfectly with Top Grunge's approach to personal hygiene. Look for him here.

• The Chief : [looking at Easter Island in a slide show about Chile]  You know, these statues remind me how much I loved sculpture. You know, when I was a little chieflet, my cousin, Wafer, and I used to make clay sculptures. We'd always ask our Aunt Powdersissy to tell us whose was better. "They're like apples and oranges," she'd say. "I can't compare." No matter how much we begged, Aunt Powdersissy never said which she liked better. Well, a few days ago, for old time's sake, Wafer and I got together to make clay sculptures, and, well...

  [holds up two, a green one and an orange one, each resembling human bodies] 

  The Chief : Hmm?

  [indicating the green one] 

  The Chief : Of course, you see mine is better. As you can see, there's detail that is not apparent here

  [referring to the orange one] 

  The Chief : Now, if you look very cl...

  [suddenly remembers] 

  The Chief : Oh, by the way, Top Grunge and the Tar Pits are in Chile. Move out!

  [getting back to the sculptures] 

  The Chief : But if you look very closely, you will see the detail...

  [picture fades out]